"Please don't lick the iPad."

...or the table, or my face, or your sister's hand, or pretty much anything else except maybe some ice cream or a lollipop. This whole subject was covered months ago and many of you wrote in with your own licking experiences, but I felt the need to add to it, since I, well, had more to add. And I have one more from an unknown mother. I overheard this in a store bathroom the other day and I almost laughed out loud, but I stopped myself for fear of maybe being arrested or something. This is what I heard:

Mom: Oh no, don't lick that.
Son: Uuhh
Mom: Ew stop, I said don't lick it.
Son: Why not?
Mom: Because, just no. Put your tongue back in your mouth and let's go.

I didn't get to see mom's expression or child's face, and I'm still unsure what was truly going on but I really felt for that woman and could hear the anguish in her voice. I mean, it was a public bathroom.....

"Watch out, mommy has a knife."

Yeah, how many times have you heard that one, huh? At my house, that's how we roll. You never know what mommy's gonna do. Good thing daddy's around to keep the kids safe. It got pretty hairy there for a bit - child was getting off the chair, going in for a hug, mommy was wielding a chef's knife... It all could have gone horribly wrong had it not been for the quick thinking of daddy. With the raising of one hand and a stating of the facts, disaster was averted. Whew, that was close.

"It's okay, I won't cook you."

Yeah, I know, that sounds a bit creepy. And I almost left out that first part just for effect, but then I thought nah, it was part of the whole exchange so it needs to be included. My 3 year old was looking a bit frightened and his nervous laugh and hesitant steps backwards let me know that the game was over. I was just kidding when I said his arm would be tasty. I was just joking when I said his leg would be yummy after I grilled it. I was just playing when I said his cheeks would be delicious in a salad. At first he laughed and simply said, "Mommyyyyy no." Then it escalated to him running away a bit and saying, "No, mommy." And then he ran, stopped with eyes wide open and said "Mommy, NO. I just want a hug." As cute as it all was, I knew when was when and assured him that all was well. Then I ended the whole fiasco with an assurance of him not being cooked and eaten and lastly stated, "I'll just give you a hug." I think I noticed a slight hesitation before he ran over to me and gave me a full-on bear hug. You know what they say...it's all fun and games 'til someone gets eaten. Or something like that.

"That won't make my feet smell like bread."

I don't suppose anything would really, short of stepping on some, but the little guy thought there was a connection somehow between the bread he was eating and how his feet smelled. His sister was joking around, telling me to smell her feet (naturally) and saying they smelled yummy, like bread. So sweet boy took a bite and smelled his own feet. "Mmm," he said, "smells like bread." Then he came over to me and said, "Here mommy, have some. Then I can smell your feet." I just had to break it to him, I just couldn't let him go around thinking that whatever you ate influenced the smell of your feet, I just wanted him to be informed. My friends, who were sitting at the table and heard the whole exchange, thought it was all pretty funny. And I can honestly say I didn't initially notice anything peculiar about any of it until I heard chuckles. Just another 'day at the office' for me.

"Count in your head. I'm trying to relax."

Today is going to be dedicated to my lovely girl and some of the wonderful things that come out of that creative little brain of hers. The above statements were directed to her older brother a while back. I'm not exactly sure what the situation was, but I did hear him counting so I know where that part came from. No matter the why or where, it's just funny to me that a 5 year old needed some peace and gave her older brother a clear alternative to the situation at hand.

Here's some good stuff that happened earlier today:
We've got some friends in town who are visiting for a few days and today we were all in the van running errands. These friends have been traveling the country for the past year and have had many amazing experiences, but I'm sure today will rank up there as one of the ones that they'd rather not repeat. Before I go on with this particular story, I'd like to suggest you take a moment and visit their blog, 12legstravel.com.
PAUSE
Wasn't it great? Okay, back to the story: We had been in the house most of this rainy day and we finally got hungry enough to leave for a late lunch. Then we ran some errands and were showing our friends the city when the inactivity of the day began to wear away at the sweet demeanor of my children. They had all been placed in the back seat of the van to accommodate our passengers so by the time we were headed back home (anyway), their noise level and composure had both elevated and disintegrated, respectively. Our dear friends graciously smiled and kept conversing, and only occasionally would joke that perhaps having children wasn't in their future. After a few more miles of pure joy someone said something about knowing how to get them quiet...something about sneaking into their room tonight and scaring them...something about waiting until they least expected it...when my daughter proudly blurted out, "It won't scare me 'cause I'm not afraid of humans!!" We all just laughed and for a brief moment (very brief) there was peace and laughter and smiles and happiness.

"No...that's not the pig's butt."

This was the reply my friend gave to his 3 year old daughter the other day when they went to the fair. They were admiring the animals when they came across a pig who was turned around. The little cutie paused a second, then excitedly announced, "That pig has a little butt under its big butt!" Well, this story was funny to us in and of itself, but our dad friend went on to tell us a related story about his sweet girl and her 'announcements.' Apparently, the other day she came running over to him, semi-crying, stating that her sister had just kicked her in her little butt and that it hurt. He, in turn, paused and thought about what she had just said. 'Little butt?' This was a new and unfamiliar phrase for him. She reiterated, made a telling gesture, and he immediately understood. 'Oh,' he said, suppressing his laughter, 'I'm sorry.' And quickly walked away to tell his wife.

"Sit on your hand dude."

Everything about this statement is funny to me:
1) My husband said it.
2) He said it to our 3 year old.
3) His tone was like he was talking to a buddy of his.
4) He was totally serious.
And 5) Our son did it.

The thing is, our little guy has a tendency to, uh, how can I put this without being crude....stick his hand down his pants. We've been trying to find alternatives and my husband came up with this one for the car. We were driving along when he just looked in the rearview mirror and gave his suggestion. And it worked. Genius.