"Stop wearing the bowl, please."

Once again, I wouldn't have thought it necessary to make such a statement, but here we were, walking to a friend's house to return her glass bowl, and my son decides to wear it. At first, I give him 'the look' and he immediately takes it off so I think we're fine. But then I hear my daughter giggling so I turn around to see the bowl on my son's head again. Now, at this point my son doesn't realize that I see him, so when I make my remark and he turns around, he's still got a goofy smile on his face and the glass bowl on his head. I have to admit, it was pretty funny so I try and stifle a laugh while still trying to look serious, but that's not working out so well so I just abandon the whole I'm-the-parent-here-so-I-can't-think-this-is-funny act and go ahead and laugh with them. I do, however, insist on keeping the bowl off the head due to sanitary reasons and my son reluctantly agrees. We return the bowl with no further incident but I realize on the walk back home that I forgot to suggest that my friend at least rinse out the bowl before using it again. Oops.

"Why does James Bond get married a lot?"

[Um, well son, he's not 'getting married' when you see him kiss a girl (then get out of bed with her or kick her out), he's actually getting something else that I don't really want to have to explain right now]

[Uh, what they're doing has nothing to do with getting married and everything to do with getting information (among other things you don't need to be thinking about at your age)]

[Well, he doesn't marry any one of those ladies you see him with; he's just using them (and even though your father is skipping the bulk of the scenes, you've still seen enough to make me worry)]

"Oh, it's just for the movie," replies my husband nonchalantly, without blinking an eye. "Ok," says my son complacently, without taking his eyes off the screen. Thanks guys for reminding me that sometimes it's best to just keep things simple.

"See, it's fun to put undies on."

Imagine saying that to a grown up! But really, sometimes it's just easier to get silly instead of mad. I'll let you use your imaginations on this one, but I think you get the idea of what went on and how I shifted gears to avoid getting annoyed when my son kept deliberately missing the leg opening of his undies because he didn't feel the need to put them on exactly when I wanted him to. I'll just say that in the end, everyone was smiling.

"Your teeth are on the floor again."

I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, granny, and I can't believe you wouldn't even notice, but you've somehow managed to again leave your teeth right in the hallway where anyone can step on them. Sheesh. Okay, so maybe I didn't say this to my grandmother and maybe I embellished a little. Maybe. But my daughter got the point and stashed her teeth away in a safe place, hopefully never to be tossed on the floor again. Another example of something I never thought I would ever have to say to my child. Perhaps I should write my own version of a parenting book called, "What to Expect to Come Out of Your Mouth that You Never Expected Would Ever Come Out of Your Mouth." Once again, I'll work on the title...

"Don't flash the neighbors, okay?"

What can I even say about this? We live in a cul-de-sac and know all our neighbors pretty well, but there's a line when it comes to flashing and my son almost crossed it. Now, that line is different in every family, and I'm not here to judge when it comes to that, but I figured standing near the window, shirt up and pants off, shaking back and forth yelling "Woohoo" might have been a little much for anyone. So I just made a short, polite request while maintaining an upbeat tone, and my dear son complied, albeit a bit reluctantly. He ran off to finish getting dressed and I peeked out the window hoping the 'hood was too busy to notice.

"Old ladies are people too."

And I should know since today I've officially become one!! But yesterday my kids were watching some show and my daughter says something like, "That old lady is pretty funny." My youngest looks a bit confused, then points to the tv and says, "She's an old lady?" Daughter and son go through a brief exchange about 'old ladies' and 'people' and the little guy finally looks straight at me, bottom lip quivering, and slowly says, "But I thought she was a person." (Now I'd like to think that hubby and I have done such an incredible job of teaching our children that people are people and to not judge anyone based solely on appearance, and that is why our youngest is so confused and visibly upset by the label my daughter has put on this poor woman. And since I don't truly know the reasoning behind his distress, I can only speculate and jump to these broad assumptions in favor of my parenting skills.) So...I reassured him that all was right in the world and life became pleasant and fun again. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish my birthday coffee in bed, get ready for my massage and enjoy this sunny day. I hope it's sunny in your little world as well.

"You can't shoot me while I'm kissing you."

Perhaps this was the tactic the military used to capture bin Laden. That would really throw somebody off, huh? It sure helped me out when my daughter aimed her weapon at me the other day. Feel free to use this one if you ever find yourself in a situation where you might get shot. In the meantime, I'm going to go back to watching the news.