"Don't shoot people in the pee pee."

Eerily reminiscent of a previous quote about punching oneself in that area. Oh, and another about killing folks and how that isn't a nice thing to do. What can I say - I'm just trying to establish a baseline of some sort and tidbits of truth for my children to recall at a later time.

"Don't take pictures of people naked."

That's really not a good habit to get into at such a young age. I'm not much interested in going into the 'whys' of it all so let's just leave it at this murky level and revisit it at a later time, if necessary.



As I listen to myself talk to my children on a daily basis, I have come to the conclusion that I use the word 'Don't' more than any other word in the English language. I actually try not to; I try and make an effort to focus on what they can do or should do, but sometimes (okay, many times) I resort to a quick "Don't...whatever" because it seems more concise and effective. Whether that's accurate or not, it's true. And so begins the series of 'Don'ts...'

"Mommy's not gonna kill you."

Oops. Honestly, saying that did not seem strange at the time but now, after writing it down, it does seem a bit peculiar. But, as with most crazy things that parents say, taken out of context, it sounds a tiny bit odd, huh? I mean, it's quite a superfluous statement, if you really think about it. But don't really think too much about it. Don't try and figure out what might have been happening at the time these words spilled out of my mouth, it will only confuse you. Or disturb you. Either way, it's an unnecessary use of your precious time. Just assume it was all in good fun and we had a hearty chuckle shortly after I cradled his shaking body in my weary arms. Wait, that came out wrong. Well at least I said I wasn't going to do it. That's something, right?

"I don't like how that dog speaks."

Now I was quite tempted to jump on the nearest high horse and ride off wildly, but after a few minutes of typing and deleting various preachy-sounding words about rudeness and respect and clean humor and kindness, I decided to ditch it all and just say what I was really thinking: That dog was a jerk.

"He has amazing vomit control."

Yeah, I was so impressed by this that I told my hubby about it. Little guy was sick yesterday so we hung out all day while I helped him throw up in the garbage can by the bed. Every time he felt sick he would let me know, lean over and wait for me to hold the can. While that is impressive on its own, you know with him still being 4 and all, what caught my attention was this one particular incident: We were both in bed and I had just started a show for him. He then made his announcement, leaned over and grabbed the can while I walked to the other side of the bed, was about to let loose when he stopped, motioned behind him and mumbled, "Can you pause it?" Taken aback, I processed this for a split second, then turned and paused the show. Once I said "Okay" he proceeded to empty his already empty stomach into the can and managed to somehow get in a "thank you" at some point during the expulsion. Man, I love that little guy! I know I didn't have that control as a kid - sorry mom.

"Roosters can't chew gum."

Any questions? No, I know, but here's the story anyway, just because it has a funny ending:

My youngest got some gum the other day and was in a sharing mood. I got a piece, he set aside one for each of his siblings, joked about giving one to the dog, then decided his rooster needed one. He took a piece and was about to unwrap it when I told him not to. When he questioned why, I said what I said. He then assured me that he wasn't going to give one to a real rooster, just his fake one. Okay, fine. So I watch him talk to his rooster, help it open its mouth and pretend to chew the gum. The rooster then "swallowed" the gum by mistake so my son told it that everything was going to be okay. I continued watching with great curiosity as my little guy gently rubbed the rooster's belly, went through the motions of the gum being digested by the rooster, then propping it up on a box so the rooster could, um, expell the gum. Now, I was pleased that my son knew how digestion worked. However, it was even more entertaining witnessing the whole process done to a stuffed green rooster.

"No, no, no...get your head out of his bottom!"

It's New Year's day. I'm sleepy. I wake up to this message from one of my wonderful friends who has two cuties at home. I'm instantly inspired to see what this new year has in store for all of us who have been blessed with the ability to say the weirdest things with absolutely no hesitation. I don't know the story behind this but I think I'd much rather create one in my head anyway. Cheers, my friend, and Happy New Year!