Welcome to Mommy (and Daddy) Lingo!

Hi and thanks for visiting this site. As a mother of 3 I've said some pretty odd stuff over these past 10 years and thought it would be fun to write a bunch of them down.

And now, with the encouragement of my brother, I'd like to share some of these unconventional, yet practical, phrases. Enjoy!

Friday, April 29, 2011

"How 'bout just some clean-up pants?"

So a lot of times when we have clean-up time in our house, we have clean-up music to go along with it. It gets everybody moving and dancing and cleaning and it's really just a way to make these events less painful for everyone. But the other day my son came downstairs, ready to clean up, without any pants on. Now, for some reason, he'll often appear without pants and hubby and I will ask him to go put some on. He usually has an 'explanation' - he was looking for a specific pair, the ones he was going to wear were dirty, he's hot, etc... But this time he was content standing in the living room, in just his shirt and undies, ready to rock and roll and get some cleaning done. He jumped up, clapped his hands and said, "Alright, how 'bout some clean-up music?!" I, being the cool, quick-witted mom that I am (ahem), quickly shot back with my above retort. It took him a second for this to sink in, but then he chuckled, ran upstairs, and put on some pants. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of this one.

Now, apparently I'm not alone in the son-not-wearing-pants-around-the-house department because, just the other day, my friend told me of a new rule in their house - "You must wear pants in all common areas." She then recounted what prompted this: She walked into the kitchen the other morning and saw her son sitting at the table, eating his breakfast, in only his underwear. She said he was a bit weary at first, but when she explained that since he's the oldest (11) and has 2 younger sisters he should probably set the tone of wearing clothes while in the company of others. She also assured him that, while in the privacy of his own room, he's free to walk around in just his undies any time he wants. This, evidently, was the clincher.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"Will you stop barking so I can hear your brother?"

We have a dog. A lovely old Golden Retriever who is gentle and sweet and patient and, most of all, quiet. So...I wasn't talking to him when I said this. I wasn't even talking to my youngest child. Nope, my 8.75 year old decided the other day that barking at random times was the way he was going to communicate. At first I must have tuned it out (as any parent has the amazing ability to do) so when my youngest started asking me a question I didn't realize why I couldn't understand him. But then it hit me, the barking, coming from my son standing in the kitchen holding an apple. I even attempted to ignore it by crouching down and asking the little man to repeat himself, but then it hit me - this is ridiculous. So I held up my finger in the just-a-second motion, sighed a deep sigh, turned my head in the direction of the barking and said what I said. My oldest immediately stopped in mid bark and resumed eating his apple as if nothing at all strange had just occurred.

Monday, April 25, 2011

"Don't sneak out of bed to do your homework."

I can honestly say I never thought this would be an issue as a parent. If this is the worst of it, then what's all the fuss about parenting? Seriously, why all the parenting classes and books and magazines devoted to 'dealing with' all the issues with children? Come on, all kids want to do is just finish their work and we're just standing in their way, making all these rules, imposing all these curfews. What if we just said hey, go to bed whenever you're done doing whatever it is you're doing then maybe we wouldn't need so many rules. I wonder what would happen if I did that for a week. I'm sure my husband would support me fully and not think I've lost my marbles. I bet the kids would be more relaxed about going to bed since it would be totally their choice when it would happen and I'm sure they'd be more productive because they wouldn't feel like they had any deadlines. They'd wake up refreshed and stress-free, ready to tackle any project. Their teachers might even thank me and ask me to hold a seminar for the other parents to teach them of my new found wisdom. I think I've just created a career for myself - Traveling Consultant to Help End Sneaking out of Bed. I may need to work on the name a bit. Call me if you want to schedule a workshop. But hurry, time slots will fill up fast, I just know it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"Don't let your nose touch the butter."

I guess if your face is at the same level as the counter and you really want to see what is going on, then a statement like this is appropriate. Or if you're a chef training another chef and offering advice on food handling etiquette, then this might slip out. Or if you're an adult doing some interesting stunts with breakfast foods then this would fit as well. So it looks like I'm saying that maybe this is one of those remarks that can really be all-encompassing. Hmm, I wouldn't have initially thought that, but after some consideration it seems as though what I said could be quite useful in a variety of circumstances. But then again, doesn't that apply to all the previous quotes as well??

Monday, April 18, 2011

"Great, now what are we gonna do with the body?"

For some reason, when my friend heard me say this to my son, she expressed concern not so much with the statement itself, but rather the ease with which those words left my mouth. And possibly what preceded them - "Look, you killed him and we're walking." I don't understand why. I mean, I try to teach my kids to be responsible and that actions have consequences and to correct and learn from their mistakes, so this instance should be no different than any other event that might come up in my children's future. It's not like I'd ever said those words before (that she knows of) or that I should have reacted differently (like upset or something) so why was she looking at me strangely and backing away? Hmm, curious. I wonder what her problem was. Oh well, I guess some folks are a bit sensitive. But one needs to keep one's head in these types of circumstances, right? I wonder if she'll ever go on a walk with us again...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

"Mr. Shh"

While watching some cartoon show with my youngest I had never seen before:

Son: What's his name?
Me: I don't know
Son: What's his name?
Me: Mr. Anderson
Son: No. What's his name?
Me: Mr. Feathers
Son: No. What's his name?
Me: Mr. Butterfly
Me: Mr. Shh
Son: Huh?
Me: Shh
Son: Oh, okay.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

"Don't lick your hair again."

Morning time at the neighbor's: What do you do if you're 5 years old and you're sitting at the breakfast table and your older brother tells you your hair is sticking up? Well, you immediately stick your tongue out, lick your palms and wipe your hair down. You've got to take care of business, right? You never know who you'll run into and you've got to look your best. No time to worry about what might still be on your tongue and now on your hands - you simply can't go around with stray hairs out of place. It's a chance you take. Anyway, that's what moms are for - let them worry about the little things so you can concentrate on what's really important. And mom, chill out.

Monday, April 11, 2011

"I can be silly while I sleep."

This was my profound statement of the day. The little man came in a bit early this morning and wanted me to join him in his activity book fun. I, on the other hand, was looking for a few more minutes of shut eye. However, it was hard to resist his cuteness so I grabbed the pencil (that he was sticking in my face while whispering, "here mommy, here you go") and traced the lines that he indicated needed tracing. I then snuck in a quick 'nap' while he searched for the other picture he thought we should do next. He caught me though and stated that it was morning time and therefore time to get up and be silly. I attempted one last (admittedly pathetic) shot at staying in bed with the above statement, but quickly realized it was a losing battle, so I got in a nice long stretch while pulling back the covers and slowly moving my body off the bed. Once my son realized I was actually getting up he hopped off the bed, grabbed my robe and said, "Good job, mommy!" Seriously, what sweeter way to start the day?! (except maybe to have the exact same scenario happen 2 hours later).

Friday, April 8, 2011

"I'll smell your feet if you stop swinging."

I had to make a deal. I couldn't risk getting kicked in the face. He kept saying that his feet smelled so good, that I had to smell them, but then he'd grab hold of the two bucket seats and start swinging again. I knew that if I attempted to take a whiff while he was in motion I could end up with a toe in the eye. Or worse. I didn't want to take that chance. It was all about timing - and he certainly was trying to make it easy for me by lifting his legs and extending his feet towards me - but one small miscalculation and Bam! I'd be hurting. So I did what any prudent (cautious? wary? scared?) adult would do, I proposed a compromise that was pleasing to us both. He thought about it for a moment, then said, "Oh, okay," and let go of the arm rests while bringing a foot up to my face. I grabbed the chubby foot, took a nice big sniff, then released it. He waited expectantly for my appraisal. I put my finger up to my mouth in a pensive gesture, then simply said, "Yep, not bad." He seemed quite pleased with that assessment and happily began swinging again. I'm sure I could have successfully managed the tricky maneuver but thought it might be too odd of an explanation had things gone awry. It's okay, call me a chicken.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"Throwing yourself on the floor is NOT an apology."

Although maybe in your little world it's an obvious gesture of remorse, in the world in which I'm trying to teach you to thrive, it's not. It's actually a bit confusing because the person you have just wronged might think you are hurt in some way and forget the offense while checking on you, which really defeats the purpose of that act because no justice has been served either way. Or maybe that's the whole point exactly and you are one little genius and I'm just slow. Perhaps you're on to something brilliant and I should follow your lead from now on. That's it, you're a 4 year old apology-avoider prodigy! Your diversionary tactics are remarkable and I must remember to take notes from now on. Hold that pose, let me get a pen!

Monday, April 4, 2011

"Thank you for showing me your undies."

I bet I'm not the only one who has said this. I bet some of you have even said it to an adult. And I even bet some of you have heard it said to you. I just bet.

I, though, said it to my 4 year old the other day in the van when, for some reason, he decided to call for me, say, "See, look," and pull his jeans down ever so slightly to reveal the top part of his underwear. Not sure exactly why he thought it necessary to that, I simply thanked him and turned around. He seemed satisfied with that and quickly replied, "You're welcome," and turned to look out the window. Not another word was spoken about undies for the rest of the ride.

Friday, April 1, 2011

"Don't punch yourself in the pee pee."

What more can I say? This is one of those things that really shouldn't need to be said. I've actually got another one of these, but I'll save it for later. Just chew on this one for a while. Say it out loud - it's actually kind of catchy.