"Okay sure, you can wear two undies."

You would have thought that I just told him he could live at Disney World and eat ice cream everyday, by his reaction. I absolutely love it when my kids get excited about things but it's even more endearing when they get excited about nothing I would even remotely consider exciting. And then that makes me excited for some reason and I want to spread the joy, but then I realize what it is I'm actually excited about and then I just have to laugh because, for a split second, I actually thought about telling someone, for example, how awesome it was that my son was wearing two pairs of underwear. Thankfully most of my friends these days are parents and would be very forgiving of such an awkward statement.

Excitement is infectious, especially around children, so I'd like for you to pause for a moment and honestly recall the last time you got giddy over something absurd. Anyone brave enough to share?

"Uh sweetie, put your clothes back on."

Now what professional hasn't said that before?! You're doing a presentation or are holding a meeting and you glance over and see someone stripping. Now your first reaction might be, 'What the...?! Why would you think it's okay to start taking your clothes off while I'm talking?!' but, since you are a professional, you know you must keep order and remain calm. After all, people look up to you, follow your example, and trust your judgement. So, just as my daughter's kindergarten teacher did, you make your statement and immediately return to the subject at hand, without missing a beat. You act as though saying what you just said fits perfectly into the flow of things and carry on as though seeing what you just saw somehow wasn't strange at all. That's really a gift in itself that many school teachers posses and we have to give credit to those professionals who manage to keep it together in times of great weirdness. Thank you, Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher for not focusing on the nonsensical. I know you just wanted to throw your hands up in the air and gasp, 'Why?!' (i could tell by the split second look you gave me as i jerked my head up as soon as i heard what you said), but you didn't. That, I must admit, was classy.

"You had a time out because you yelled at the couch?"

This is the conversation I had with my 4 year old last night. If you find yourself getting frustrated, it's okay, I understand.

Son: I'm ready to taaalk.
Me: Okay, come in here please.
Me: Why did you have a time out?
Son: For being mean.
Me: No. Why did you have a time out?
Son: Because I didn't listen.
Me: No. What did you do to the couch?
Son: I hit.
Me: You had a time out because you hit the couch?
Son: Yes.
Me: No. What did you do to the couch?
Son: I yelled.
Me: You had a time out because you yelled at the couch?
Son: Yes.
Me: No. You had a time out because you wrote on the couch. Now, why did you have a time out?
Son: Oh yeah, because I drew on the couch with a pencil.
Me: Yeah?
Son: Yeah.
Me: Yeah.

(glad we had this talk. you've clearly shown remorse and complete understanding of your actions. i feel confident that your future time outs will be just as useful in teaching you responsibility and allowing you to contemplate your behavior and its consequences. thank you for showing me just how effective this whole process has been. excuse me now, i've got some thinking of my own to do)

"I will not duct tape the sleeves to your arms."

My daughter would do anything for fashion, apparently, and it makes me a tiny bit uneasy to think that she quickly and very matter-of-factly suggested I simply apply a powerful adhesive to her arms so that she could look stunning. Honestly, I don't know where she gets that from because I am quite comfortable in yoga pants and a t-shirt. But I have to admit that she has an incredible sense of style and an amazing imagination when it comes to clothes (and really just decorating, in general). In fact, my husband has asked our girl to 'help me' pick out an outfit on a few occasions. Hmm. Anyway, yesterday she was getting ready for school (kindergarten, no less) and came in to ask if I would cut the sleeves off of one of her long sleeved shirts. I was thinking that maybe one had gotten too small and she wanted to salvage it by turning it into a summer shirt (she does stuff like that), but upon further questioning I learned that she only wanted the sleeves because she was wearing a sleeveless dress and it might be cold outside for recess and the shawl she was wearing (from the sarong I had gotten her from Hawaii) might not be warm enough. Impressed by her ingenuity, I told her that while that was a great idea, the sleeves wouldn't stay on very well. That's when the real creativity started rolling. We had gone back and forth with a few ideas when she happily made her final suggestion, which I quickly shot down. After explaining why that wouldn't work I told her that there were indeed sleeves that you could purchase for just such an occasion and that I would be happy to look for some in her size. She seemed satisfied enough and walked away. But I still had this image in my head of her teacher's face when my daughter carefully took off the shawl at the playground and ran towards the slide, blinding everyone as the sun reflected off her beautifully duct-taped arms.

"Listen, we do NOT throw eggs at the wall, okay?"

In fact, we don't throw eggs anywhere. When my youngest was younger, he had the unfortunate habit of throwing things when he got flustered. I don't really know why this was his chosen method of expression but I'm sure glad it didn't last too long. On this particular day, I was about to make cookies or something and had put the eggs on the counter while I got out the remaining ingredients. Within the 2 seconds it took me to shut the fridge, the little guy had managed to somehow get from the living room to the kitchen, grab an egg off the counter (which he could barely reach on his tiptoes), and be standing behind me smiling and holding an egg precariously in his little hand. At first I wasn't even worried; I was actually impressed by this amazing feat. But then my daughter sees him (and she knows very well what he was capable of) and yells out, "Oh no, he has an egg!" I try and keep my voice calm and my movements slow while I smile and sweetly call out his name. But by then it was too late. My daughter's initial cry immediately put my son on high alert and he stood there frozen for a second, his eyes wide and darting from side to side. I could tell that we had only milliseconds to act but I also knew we had to tread carefully, so I took a small step forward with a hand outstretched and my head tilted in an I'm-not-trying-to-alarm-you-but-I-really-want-what's-in-your-hand kind of way. But, unfortunately, that was all it took to send him running, egg in hand, towards the toy room. My daughter and I tried to intercept him but he was just too swift. As he stopped in front of the futon and faced the wall, I feebly called out, "No, no, don't throw the egg at...the...wall. Aah." Too late. I looked over just in time to see the egg hit low on the wall and slowly ooze down onto the cushion, behind the futon and into the carpet. It's amazing how quickly a 2 year old can move. As I cleaned up the gooeyness I had a heart-to-heart with the little guy about eggs and about how they are much better cooked than thrown. I'd like to believe he understood every word because he hasn't thrown an egg since.

"Stop wearing the bowl, please."

Once again, I wouldn't have thought it necessary to make such a statement, but here we were, walking to a friend's house to return her glass bowl, and my son decides to wear it. At first, I give him 'the look' and he immediately takes it off so I think we're fine. But then I hear my daughter giggling so I turn around to see the bowl on my son's head again. Now, at this point my son doesn't realize that I see him, so when I make my remark and he turns around, he's still got a goofy smile on his face and the glass bowl on his head. I have to admit, it was pretty funny so I try and stifle a laugh while still trying to look serious, but that's not working out so well so I just abandon the whole I'm-the-parent-here-so-I-can't-think-this-is-funny act and go ahead and laugh with them. I do, however, insist on keeping the bowl off the head due to sanitary reasons and my son reluctantly agrees. We return the bowl with no further incident but I realize on the walk back home that I forgot to suggest that my friend at least rinse out the bowl before using it again. Oops.

"Why does James Bond get married a lot?"

[Um, well son, he's not 'getting married' when you see him kiss a girl (then get out of bed with her or kick her out), he's actually getting something else that I don't really want to have to explain right now]

[Uh, what they're doing has nothing to do with getting married and everything to do with getting information (among other things you don't need to be thinking about at your age)]

[Well, he doesn't marry any one of those ladies you see him with; he's just using them (and even though your father is skipping the bulk of the scenes, you've still seen enough to make me worry)]

"Oh, it's just for the movie," replies my husband nonchalantly, without blinking an eye. "Ok," says my son complacently, without taking his eyes off the screen. Thanks guys for reminding me that sometimes it's best to just keep things simple.

"See, it's fun to put undies on."

Imagine saying that to a grown up! But really, sometimes it's just easier to get silly instead of mad. I'll let you use your imaginations on this one, but I think you get the idea of what went on and how I shifted gears to avoid getting annoyed when my son kept deliberately missing the leg opening of his undies because he didn't feel the need to put them on exactly when I wanted him to. I'll just say that in the end, everyone was smiling.

"Your teeth are on the floor again."

I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, granny, and I can't believe you wouldn't even notice, but you've somehow managed to again leave your teeth right in the hallway where anyone can step on them. Sheesh. Okay, so maybe I didn't say this to my grandmother and maybe I embellished a little. Maybe. But my daughter got the point and stashed her teeth away in a safe place, hopefully never to be tossed on the floor again. Another example of something I never thought I would ever have to say to my child. Perhaps I should write my own version of a parenting book called, "What to Expect to Come Out of Your Mouth that You Never Expected Would Ever Come Out of Your Mouth." Once again, I'll work on the title...

"Don't flash the neighbors, okay?"

What can I even say about this? We live in a cul-de-sac and know all our neighbors pretty well, but there's a line when it comes to flashing and my son almost crossed it. Now, that line is different in every family, and I'm not here to judge when it comes to that, but I figured standing near the window, shirt up and pants off, shaking back and forth yelling "Woohoo" might have been a little much for anyone. So I just made a short, polite request while maintaining an upbeat tone, and my dear son complied, albeit a bit reluctantly. He ran off to finish getting dressed and I peeked out the window hoping the 'hood was too busy to notice.

"Old ladies are people too."

And I should know since today I've officially become one!! But yesterday my kids were watching some show and my daughter says something like, "That old lady is pretty funny." My youngest looks a bit confused, then points to the tv and says, "She's an old lady?" Daughter and son go through a brief exchange about 'old ladies' and 'people' and the little guy finally looks straight at me, bottom lip quivering, and slowly says, "But I thought she was a person." (Now I'd like to think that hubby and I have done such an incredible job of teaching our children that people are people and to not judge anyone based solely on appearance, and that is why our youngest is so confused and visibly upset by the label my daughter has put on this poor woman. And since I don't truly know the reasoning behind his distress, I can only speculate and jump to these broad assumptions in favor of my parenting skills.) So...I reassured him that all was right in the world and life became pleasant and fun again. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish my birthday coffee in bed, get ready for my massage and enjoy this sunny day. I hope it's sunny in your little world as well.

"You can't shoot me while I'm kissing you."

Perhaps this was the tactic the military used to capture bin Laden. That would really throw somebody off, huh? It sure helped me out when my daughter aimed her weapon at me the other day. Feel free to use this one if you ever find yourself in a situation where you might get shot. In the meantime, I'm going to go back to watching the news.