"Don't touch daddy's hole."

Well I, hmm, yeah. There's not much else to say here 'cause it doesn't really matter what the context was or how it was meant, it still sounds icky. Just trust me when I say nothing gross was going on and the comment was completely innocent. And yes, things will remain in passive voice - it is just better that way.

"How do you accidentally spit on someone?"

That sure piqued my interest. As I look up, I see my husband and daughter walking in the back door. Then I hear more, "Explain that to me. I don't understand." Then he waits. I couldn't make out her mumbles but clearly they weren't satisfying hubby's desire for an explanation because this is what I hear next, "But you did know you had your mouth open, right? And you did know saliva was coming out of your mouth, right? And you did know he was right under you, right?" (or something similar using a good dose of deductive reasoning that hubby is known for) I couldn't wait to hear how she gets out of this one. I'm ready for her retort (she usually has some good ones) but alas, I must forever be curious because they continue their 'chat' up the stairs. For a split second I contemplate following them. But I know it has nothing to do with me and I can just get the scoop from hubby when he comes back. So as soon as he does, I ask him what she said (anticipating some juicy details). He just looks at me, shrugs his shoulders, says, "Nothing good," and walks back out the door. Sigh.

"I don't want to measure your poop right now."

"Mooooommy, come here please." I walk upstairs and open up the bathroom door. "What's up?" "I just made a humongous poop!" my son exclaimed excitedly. "Good job, buddy." (what else am I gonna say?) "It's so big, you should look at it!" he continues, while holding up his hands to indicate an approximate length. "Oh, no thanks," I politely decline. "Okay, bye." "Wait, how big do you think it is? Can you go get a ruler?" Pause... (um, really? you want me to go find a ruler, stick it in the toilet, then somehow figure out the length of the poop you just made? and then what??) was what went through my mind. However, what came out of my mouth was that matter of fact statement that seemed to bring the whole strange discourse to an end.

"If you do that again I'm going to take your teeth away."

Sounds harsh, but grandma was NOT listening. Oh, I'm joking but I still laugh at the things that parents say to their kids that they could never get away with saying to an adult. It's really quite amazing how we can be carrying on a 'normal' conversation and instantly say something utterly ridiculous, then switch back without missing a beat. Yeah, I'll just say it, we're awesome.