"Your name's not 'Mr. Tushy.' Enough."

You know how sometimes something is funny that you're not supposed to think is funny and you try not to laugh, but you do, and then it turns into the focus of the conversation when what you really wanted was for it to just fade into obscurity? Yeah well that's what happened to me the other day at lunch. The kids were at the table and I was in the kitchen when our little comedian stood up, turned around, and introduced himself (in some accent I had never heard him use before) as Mr. Tushy. He apparently heard this word recently and thought he'd test it out on his siblings. And boy was it a hit. I thought I'd hang back a bit while the laughter died down, but it never did. And that's when it happened. I crumbled. I was weak. I held it in as long as I could but, all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, came an audible chuckle. Honestly, I couldn't help it - he was hilarious! But that was all he needed. I knew I had to get myself together and act quickly before this became a regular routine and he took his show on the road. So I took a deep breath, walked to the table, said those very strange words to my son and sat down. Right next to Mr. Tushy (tee he).

"Get the toilet paper out of your bottom."

Here's how it went down (yuck alert - if you're bothered by poop talk, skip the middle section):

Youngest is working on wiping his own bottom. He prefers to have someone present when he does this (moral support? encouragement?).

Last night, he calls me into the bathroom for the event. He asks me to help him get the toilet paper - he said he always rips it and likes how I fold it. Whatever. It's taken some work to get to this point so a little paper folding isn't a big deal to me.

He goes in for the wipe, and it gets stuck. At first he thinks it's funny. Without even a smirk on my lips, I say what I said. (I will admit, however, that it was pretty funny. The paper was dangling and swaying as he shook his booty back and forth in playful fun).

But then, when he realized that it was staying put, he mini-panicked. He looked up at me, his eyes wide and confused, and said, "It's not coming out!" Calmly, I instructed him to "just pull it out." He then reached back and gave the paper a little tug. It ripped. He looked up again, still concerned, and tried once more. This time it came out - although he wasn't quite convinced. He gave me one more pained look and asked, very sweetly, if I could check to make sure it was all out. Sure buddy. And as I checked the situation, he quietly whispered, "Thank you, mommy," and I just gave him a big hug. Well, as big as I could while he was still perched on the toilet and I was crouched down and over him.

Aah, I love when even the most mundane routines turn into memorable experiences!

"Okay, what else is down your pants?!"

Tee hee. This was said so innocently to my son the other day, but now as I write this I see how it might be taken the wrong way. Although I'm not sure what the right way might be. I suppose there might be an occasion where one might need to know what someone else might have stashed in said person's pants, like, say, the other day when I said this. Hmm, I guess I've answered my own unasked question. Okay then, glad we got that straight.

"Oh don't rub your hair on the wall."

Actually, I think I can expand this to include, well, everything. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing that needs to be rubbed on a wall. Nothing. Maybe there's something out there that might benefit from a good rub on a wall but I've gone through a long list and not one of them qualifies. However, I might be persuaded to narrow the field a bit and state that no body part should be rubbed on a wall. But if there were some object that you felt should, for some reason, make this sort of contact, then I suppose it might be alright if this rubbing occurred. Who am I to judge, right? (weirdo)

"If you stopped playing with yourself maybe you could catch the ball."

True, I bet that would work nicely. You could just hear the frustration in my neighbor's voice as he said these words to his son. As a coach, he has to deal with a lot of strange behaviors from students and he's been doing it for so long that he's probably seen more than his fair share of weirdness. But there's something about your own child doing something that you'd probably let pass with someone else that just gets under your skin and you can't help but want them so badly to stop. So I totally understand where this statement came from. Nevermind the fact that it was our neighborhood kids playing basketball and his son is 6. I guess that just makes it funnier.

"Then just don't eat the fries that taste like coffee."

I must have been zoning out pretty fiercely because this was the only part of the conversation I heard between my hubby and our little man. But it was enough, mind you, to make me chuckle and be intrigued. How did this exchange begin? What brought things to this point and why was my husband not laughing? I suppose I'll just have to content myself with the made up conversation in my head and try and 'stay in the game' next time...or 'put my listening ears on'...or simply 'be all ears.'

"No Transformers in the baking soda."

This, apparently, is a new rule in my house. It's not one of those life lesson rules that gets posted proudly on the wall, but it's still something that needed to be stated. Evidently. Oh well, at least that's now out of the way and I can continue cleaning without further interruption.