"Put it back in your pants."

"No it's not, I still see it."

"Put it back."

"Put it back in your pants right now or I'll put it back."

"Thank you. Now leave it there."

I see no need for explanation. My side of the conversation should suffice. You don't really even need a big imagination. It's exactly what you think it is.

"Mommy, can I lie down on it?"

That's what my little man said as soon as I put the new rug down in the kitchen. "I wike it," he continued. The other 2 children agreed. Yep, I liked it too. CSN Stores did it again - they sent a quality product that really adds a nice touch to my home's decor. When it got here 2 days ago and I put it down, I was a bit concerned that it would collect too much dirt and might be difficult to clean, but after dropping diced onions on it, littering it with biscuit crumbs and having my dog 'test it out,' I saw that with one quick vacuum the rug was bright and fluffy again. And the pattern really adds color to the room (which it seemed to be lacking - something I didn't really notice until pretty rug arrived). This Country Blue Southwestern Rug was a little stretch from our current 'whatever' theme we've got going on, but it's really fun and might even give our kitchen some direction. I think it'll last quite a while in our busy house and it's big enough to cover the not-yet-redone floor. All of my kids felt the need to touch it and test it for softness (that was my oldest's favorite aspect) so when my youngest asked me to join him on the rug, I happily agreed. We actually all snuggled on it for a minute, which I'm sure would have been quite a site.

Breakfast chit chat

Weekend of camping with friends. We decide to go out to breakfast. It had begun to rain in the middle of the night so we packed up camp and headed to the kids' favorite breakfast spot on the coast. Our traveling friends were continuing on their journey so this would be the last time we'd see them in a while. We are gathered around a table, enjoying our food and company, when the conversation begins to get interrupted by random directives to our children:


Don't lick the bacon anymore, just put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth and bite it. You're still licking it.

Stop fighting the pancake. Yay, you conquered the pancake - now eat it.

Use your fork; don't just stick your face on the plate.

No you don't need anymore syrup, your pancake is dripping.

Uh, you probably don't want to use your hands to eat your French toast. Oh okay, never mind.


I guess we had lingered longer than we realized and our children were finding creative ways to entertain themselves. The adults thought it was all pretty funny but we got it, time to go.

"Ooh mommy, that's fancy."

That's what my daughter said when she saw the new soap dispenser that arrived from CSN Stores. A while back I had mentioned that I wanted to update, change, fix something in the kitchen and thought that a new paint job would do the trick, but on that same day I received a message asking if I wanted to review a product. (I actually think my husband was a bit relieved, but I still had the painting bug so I decided to repaint the guest bathroom instead). Anyway, I went to their website and was a bit overwhelmed by all the amazing choices there were. It took me quite a while to finally decide on something, well, actually 2 things. So this is really part 1. I'd been refilling an old bottle of dishwashing soap for some time now so when I came across the Progressive International kitchen soap dispenser I knew it would be a welcome improvement to my kitchen. But I didn't realize how much so until my daughter saw it and continued to tell me how much nicer this one looked, how ugly the old soap bottle was, and how she was so glad that I finally got rid of it. (She's our little decorator). Won't she be surprised when the new rug gets here on Monday!

But her, I mean my, review doesn't end there. We both like how the long spout doesn't clog and neatly shoots out soap onto a sponge ("or your hand or a towel or whatever you want soap on"). Now my 2 oldest can reach it and use it with one hand so no more picking-up-only-to-drop the soap. I just think it looks cool at my sink and makes the whole area look a bit neater, like I actually meant to coordinate things. And it got here so fast - I ordered it on a Thursday and it got here the following Tuesday. My kids love getting packages so when we found it on our doorstep that day they were eager to see what was inside. As soon as I took it out my daughter went straight to the sink, got the old bottle and started filling the new one. We actually stood there a moment admiring it (yeah, slow day I guess). So I'm thinking that slowly but surely the house can get a nice update - all pending the approval of my daughter, of course.

"Did I poop on you?"

Let me begin by clarifying that my son said this to me, NOT the other way around. Okay then.

I'm not really sure how far I want to go with this because it entails an earlier, related incident that would stray too far from the current one. So instead I've decided to ask that you use your imagination and be prepared for little kid bathroom humor. Yesterday morning my little guy had just taken a bath and was sitting on my lap, wrapped in a towel. We were talking to my hubby and basically just cuddling and hanging out when my son, well, farted. He said excuse me, my husband and I continued talking and all was well. Then after a few seconds my son looked up at me, very concerned and even a bit frightened, and asked me the posted question. (Here's where earlier related incident comes into play - something about him relating the passing of gas to other familiar smells...). I assured him that no accidents had occurred and hubby and I proceeded to laugh. I gave little man a hug then helped him get dressed and we all continued our day with a smile on our faces. How did you start your day?

"We don't eat people."

Welcome to "How to Talk to Your 3 year old about Cannibalism" 101:

1) You don't.
2) If you must, keep it short and light.
3) Be sincere and vague.
4) Know that you will probably contradict yourself and confuse your child.

Now that we've covered the basics, let's explore the following case study:

Mom makes paninis for dinner one recent evening using George Foreman grill (little known use for such device, but works great). Dishes cleared and mom moves grill near sink to cool off and clean later. As mom is drying her hands, a child calls for her and she turns to respond. She doesn't realize how close her arm is to hot grill and so she burns herself. Youngest child hears muffled cry from mom and runs to see if she is alright. Mom assures child she is okay, child empathetic and curious and begins to ask questions: What happened? Are you okay? Does it hurt? Can I see it? Can I touch it? Why not? Did you cook it? Can I eat it? Why not? Mom responds to each question with simplicity and candor, but the 'why not' after her final answer leaves her stumped. She recalls a previous conversation where she played around with her son about eating him and he got a bit frightened. Is that why he's asking? She then remembers that she recently watched a movie about a cannibalistic serial killer. Did her son somehow sneak downstairs and hear of this gruesomeness?

Questions for you: Should the mom explain any further? Into how much depth should the mom go? Is the mom thinking too much?

No need to answer. Before the mom could form any kind of response, the son looks at her, grins and says, "I'm just joking."

"If you sniff me again I'm going to tickle you."

Either I've become immune to crazy talk or I'm just repeating myself because for the past few days I haven't really written anything down. And I know I've been talking because, well, it would just be plain weird if I weren't. So I started thinking back on this past weekend and what we'd done as a family and the various scenarios that have occurred and have been trying to replay conversations and interactions to see if any one or two particular exchanges stick out as particularly hilarious or even mildly amusing. So far, nothing has jumped out at me. I even had a friend confess that at first, he wasn't sure how I was coming up with all these quotes, but then he and his wife spent a week with us and quickly realized that you almost can't help the oddities that come out of your mouth daily. So I knew there was something I was missing. And so I thought back to last night, before bedtime, and remembered that my daughter kept intermittently sniffing me. Not the deep drawn out breaths of my son a while back, but short sniffs in various areas followed by quiet giggles. After a few sniffs I was pretty much done with whatever 'game' this was so I explained to her what would happen if another sniff was attempted. We came to an understanding and the episode was over, but it really didn't seem worth writing down. Until now. I suppose these situations occur so often that I'm having trouble stepping back and actually listening to myself. So that's what I'll try to do again. Pretend my friends are back in the house listening, or my brother can hear every word say, and take note that some things just aren't 'normal.' But I suppose pretending people are around when they aren't isn't really 'normal' either...

"You know, I've never seen the fish use the stairs."

My neighbor very sweetly said this to my 3 year old yesterday. My son was admiring their fish and the tank and the various objects that were in it when he noticed that the bridge had steps. He peered closer, looked at the fish, looked at me and asked, "Does the fish go on there?" My friend, who is well-equipped with 5 children of her own, very thoughtfully replied first. My son just looked at her and said, "Oh." I, on the other hand, was going to say something entirely too 'thoughtful.' Something like, "Fish don't have feet so they can't really use stairs." Or, "It would be hard to use fins on steps." Or I might have posed this question for him to ponder,"How do you think the fish would get up those steps?"

"Please don't lick the iPad."

...or the table, or my face, or your sister's hand, or pretty much anything else except maybe some ice cream or a lollipop. This whole subject was covered months ago and many of you wrote in with your own licking experiences, but I felt the need to add to it, since I, well, had more to add. And I have one more from an unknown mother. I overheard this in a store bathroom the other day and I almost laughed out loud, but I stopped myself for fear of maybe being arrested or something. This is what I heard:

Mom: Oh no, don't lick that.
Son: Uuhh
Mom: Ew stop, I said don't lick it.
Son: Why not?
Mom: Because, just no. Put your tongue back in your mouth and let's go.

I didn't get to see mom's expression or child's face, and I'm still unsure what was truly going on but I really felt for that woman and could hear the anguish in her voice. I mean, it was a public bathroom.....

"Watch out, mommy has a knife."

Yeah, how many times have you heard that one, huh? At my house, that's how we roll. You never know what mommy's gonna do. Good thing daddy's around to keep the kids safe. It got pretty hairy there for a bit - child was getting off the chair, going in for a hug, mommy was wielding a chef's knife... It all could have gone horribly wrong had it not been for the quick thinking of daddy. With the raising of one hand and a stating of the facts, disaster was averted. Whew, that was close.

"It's okay, I won't cook you."

Yeah, I know, that sounds a bit creepy. And I almost left out that first part just for effect, but then I thought nah, it was part of the whole exchange so it needs to be included. My 3 year old was looking a bit frightened and his nervous laugh and hesitant steps backwards let me know that the game was over. I was just kidding when I said his arm would be tasty. I was just joking when I said his leg would be yummy after I grilled it. I was just playing when I said his cheeks would be delicious in a salad. At first he laughed and simply said, "Mommyyyyy no." Then it escalated to him running away a bit and saying, "No, mommy." And then he ran, stopped with eyes wide open and said "Mommy, NO. I just want a hug." As cute as it all was, I knew when was when and assured him that all was well. Then I ended the whole fiasco with an assurance of him not being cooked and eaten and lastly stated, "I'll just give you a hug." I think I noticed a slight hesitation before he ran over to me and gave me a full-on bear hug. You know what they say...it's all fun and games 'til someone gets eaten. Or something like that.

"That won't make my feet smell like bread."

I don't suppose anything would really, short of stepping on some, but the little guy thought there was a connection somehow between the bread he was eating and how his feet smelled. His sister was joking around, telling me to smell her feet (naturally) and saying they smelled yummy, like bread. So sweet boy took a bite and smelled his own feet. "Mmm," he said, "smells like bread." Then he came over to me and said, "Here mommy, have some. Then I can smell your feet." I just had to break it to him, I just couldn't let him go around thinking that whatever you ate influenced the smell of your feet, I just wanted him to be informed. My friends, who were sitting at the table and heard the whole exchange, thought it was all pretty funny. And I can honestly say I didn't initially notice anything peculiar about any of it until I heard chuckles. Just another 'day at the office' for me.

"Count in your head. I'm trying to relax."

Today is going to be dedicated to my lovely girl and some of the wonderful things that come out of that creative little brain of hers. The above statements were directed to her older brother a while back. I'm not exactly sure what the situation was, but I did hear him counting so I know where that part came from. No matter the why or where, it's just funny to me that a 5 year old needed some peace and gave her older brother a clear alternative to the situation at hand.

Here's some good stuff that happened earlier today:
We've got some friends in town who are visiting for a few days and today we were all in the van running errands. These friends have been traveling the country for the past year and have had many amazing experiences, but I'm sure today will rank up there as one of the ones that they'd rather not repeat. Before I go on with this particular story, I'd like to suggest you take a moment and visit their blog, 12legstravel.com.
PAUSE
Wasn't it great? Okay, back to the story: We had been in the house most of this rainy day and we finally got hungry enough to leave for a late lunch. Then we ran some errands and were showing our friends the city when the inactivity of the day began to wear away at the sweet demeanor of my children. They had all been placed in the back seat of the van to accommodate our passengers so by the time we were headed back home (anyway), their noise level and composure had both elevated and disintegrated, respectively. Our dear friends graciously smiled and kept conversing, and only occasionally would joke that perhaps having children wasn't in their future. After a few more miles of pure joy someone said something about knowing how to get them quiet...something about sneaking into their room tonight and scaring them...something about waiting until they least expected it...when my daughter proudly blurted out, "It won't scare me 'cause I'm not afraid of humans!!" We all just laughed and for a brief moment (very brief) there was peace and laughter and smiles and happiness.

"No...that's not the pig's butt."

This was the reply my friend gave to his 3 year old daughter the other day when they went to the fair. They were admiring the animals when they came across a pig who was turned around. The little cutie paused a second, then excitedly announced, "That pig has a little butt under its big butt!" Well, this story was funny to us in and of itself, but our dad friend went on to tell us a related story about his sweet girl and her 'announcements.' Apparently, the other day she came running over to him, semi-crying, stating that her sister had just kicked her in her little butt and that it hurt. He, in turn, paused and thought about what she had just said. 'Little butt?' This was a new and unfamiliar phrase for him. She reiterated, made a telling gesture, and he immediately understood. 'Oh,' he said, suppressing his laughter, 'I'm sorry.' And quickly walked away to tell his wife.

"Sit on your hand dude."

Everything about this statement is funny to me:
1) My husband said it.
2) He said it to our 3 year old.
3) His tone was like he was talking to a buddy of his.
4) He was totally serious.
And 5) Our son did it.

The thing is, our little guy has a tendency to, uh, how can I put this without being crude....stick his hand down his pants. We've been trying to find alternatives and my husband came up with this one for the car. We were driving along when he just looked in the rearview mirror and gave his suggestion. And it worked. Genius.