"Please stop panting in my face."

"Please stop chewing in my face."
"Please stop smiling in my face."
"Please stop laughing in my face."

All said within a span of maybe 3 minutes. The last one resulted in chewed up carrot spit in my face. That's what I get for lying down on the couch and being at 'face level' with my 3 year old. He thought the whole episode was hysterically funny. And I was a bit amused myself...until the unfortunate ending. My oldest had a front row seat to the entire performance.

"How did you get an owie on your pee pee?"

Not a question I ever thought I would ask anyone. Ever. But I just did. Aah, the intricacies of parenthood.

"You really need to stop baaing/mooing."

You know the scene:

Kid finds a sound he/she likes. Makes said sound over and over. Mom and dad listen patiently for a bit. Kid keeps making new sound. Mom and dad hope kid gets tired of making it (silly mom and dad). Kid keeps making new sound. Mom or dad can't take much more and must put an end to new sound before ears fall off. Sound stops...but reappears at later times throughout the rest of their lives.

"Your butt is really hot on my neck right now."

My friend didn't see this one coming. Neither did her husband, even though he's the one who said it. But it was true and he was simply making an observation. After the long hike, carrying their daughter on his shoulders the whole time, he was, understandably, fatigued and warm. The little girl had no interest in walking any part of the way so, like any sweet daddy, he propped her up on his shoulders and enjoyed the fresh air with his family. Toward the end of the hike, however (after a few other borderline dandies to both children) he makes this announcement. At first he didn't think twice about what he had just uttered, but my friend said she just started laughing and then he realized that yeah, maybe that would have sounded a bit strange to the casual observer. So she shared it with me. And now I've shared it with you. Thanks for the laugh S and K!!

"You can't really ride a cow. They don't like that."

Driving along farmland through Idaho one sees cows and horses and such. For my little guy each encounter was a joyous surprise met with an announcement of each discovery. After a bit, he decided that he really liked cows and that he wanted one. This prompted a short conversation about why and what he would do with one. You can imagine how that went so no need to reiterate. Once he realized that cows wouldn't be as fun as he must have been imagining, he simply said, "No, I don't want a cow. I want a horse." Aah, simplicity.

"Oh don't grab me, I'm holding pee."

I hadn't gotten the lid on the coffee cup yet. The liquid shook. I was frightened. We'd been on the road for a while and my husband had gotten out to get lunch. The boys had to go, my daughter and dog did not, so I grabbed an old disposable cup from breakfast and handed it to them. The cup was handed back to me and as I was searching for the lid my oldest grabbed my arm to show me something. For one split second I thought the cup was going, the dog would get it, and a bunch of toys and papers would head to the garbage ('cause i wasn't about to attempt to clean stuff in the mcdonald's bathroom). But my son gently let go, the liquid stablized and the lid was attached, without one single drop hitting the floor. Whew, that was close.

"Why are you smelling me?"

I had moved to the back of the van at some point during our trip last week to sit with my boys for a bit. I was there no more than 5 minutes when my oldest grabbed my arm and sniffed. Then he leaned over and took another whiff of my leg. Then the other arm. After each inhalation he just smiled but didn't say a word. So then I just had to ask. He just smiled some more and said, "I don't know" and took another big sniff of my head. Um, okay.

Happy Father's Day

I thought it would be fitting to have a little something from a dad on this special day and it just so happens that a friend of mine has provided the perfect thing:

Conversation overheard last night by said friend between hubby and daughter. He is getting daughter ready for a bath when she hears this:

Daddy: Do you want to take your shirt off?
Daughter: No.
Daddy: That's exactly what you should say if a boy asks you that question!

Happy Father's Day to all you wonderful dads out there!

"Don't touch anything, not even yourself."

This one got a puzzled look from my oldest and I could tell he wanted to say something (like, huh? then how are we gonna...?). But he could tell by the grossed-out look on my face not to question the very strange words that escaped me. We've been traveling, the family and I, which would explain the lack of posts and the odd removal-then-reinstatement of the blog. Yeah, sorry about that. We've been camping in Idaho where the only Internet service was the General Store in the very small town a few miles away. I obviously didn't make it into town...too busy having fun rock climbing and hiking and playing. But now we're headed back home, back to bathrooms where you can't actually see the grime dripping from the walls. Okay, so maybe it wasn't dripping but when I walked into the gas station bathroom and took one look I instantly wanted to grab my children and spray them down with bleach. But I couldn't so the only thing I could do was try and impress upon them the seriousness of the situation. And I think I did. Job done.

"Don't stick the paddle up your nose."

He just thought that was so funny this morning. It still amazes me just what kids think is funny. I don't know why - you'd think I'd be less surprised or amused these days but I'm not. So after I say what I said, my son turns the paddle around and sticks it up his nose again, still thinking it's funny and still thinking I might too. And that's another thing that gets me - the innocent hope that their parents will somehow concede and find whatever it is they think is funny as hilarious as they do. And I have to admit, half (or more!) of the time their little antics have me in hysterics on the inside, but they don't know that...right? All they see is mommy with a straight face telling them to stop whatever craziness it is that they are doing and that whatever it is is not actually funny. But do they know that I sometimes turn around and let out a chuckle? Or run and recount the whole nutty event to my husband or brother or friend? Can they tell that I actually think they are funniest people in the world? Are they on to me??

"Did that baby come out of your nose?" OR "Is that a baby booger?"

Background:
Camping at the coast this weekend, in the van on our way to play in the sand, I brought grapes as a snack. My kids like to find the smallest ones and say they found a 'baby.' Grapes were eaten quickly and garbage was thrown away. After a few minutes, the following conversation occurred between my 3 year old and me.

Conversation:
Son (in a sing-song voice): Look, I've got a baaaby
Me: What do you mean? What is that?
Son: It's a baby
Me: Where did you get that?
Son: It's a baby, he he he
Me: Is it a baby booger? (because i know all the grapes were eaten, not one was left)
Son: No, it's a baaaby
Me: Did that baby come out of your nose?
Son: Ha ha ha, giggle giggle
Oldest son: It did! It's a baby booger, ew!
End of conversation.

When you're camping, the rules are a little relaxed anyway, right?!

"I'll draw you a picture right after I put my pants on."

My daughter draws pictures all the time. All the time. But this morning she asked if I could draw her a picture, for a change. Sure, I said, in just a minute. I was apparently taking way too long to get started (since her repeated appeals were followed by frustrated sighs when i replied that i hadn't yet) so finally I had to give her a concrete reason why and some sort of visual time frame. But, just so you know, I actually wrote this post before I drew her picture (shh, don't tell her).

"How 'bout you both be chocolate baby."

What did I just say?! What does that even mean?

- I'll be chocolate baby -
- No I'll be chocolate baby -
- I'll be chocolate baby -
- No, I'll be chocolate baby -
My two youngest went back and forth yesterday, passing Raggedy Ann to each other with each declaration. I had to find a solution and end this jabbering. It worked. Whatever.

"No...we don't keep poop in a bag, sweetie."

I wish I could accurately describe the look on my friend's face when she said these words to her 3 year old daughter. All I could do was just sit there and crack up. Our kids were running around playing and we were chatting in her living room the other morning when the little ones decided to check out their fish. My son happily watched the fish swim around while her daughter pointed out who was who. Then they went over to look at the frog and her daughter continued to astutely explain what everything was for. It was a sweet sight - my son eagerly absorbing all the new information, her daughter eloquently describing each item - when something suddenly caught our attention. We both looked over at each other, then back at the kids. Yep, she just said what we thought she said. Her daughter said it again, "...and here's the bag of poop, this is a rock..." Uh, that's the frog's food, honey. "Oh, ok. That's the food, not poop..." she continues. My friend and I look at each other again and I just start laughing, me having the mental picture of the look of astonishment on her face and her half-dazed questions that lingered in the air, "I wonder how long she thought that was poop...? Why would she think we saved poop...?"

"Stop, no! Don't pee in the hole!!"

My friend frantically yells to her son as she bolts out of the car. "But look, I can make it in the hole," he persists, proudly displaying his aiming skills. "Stop, it's full of bees!" she explains as she yanks him from his stance and shoves him in the car, not caring that he's not finished. She slams the door shut and continues the drive up their long driveway, hoping she reacted quickly enough to prevent too many bees from entering the car. Her youngest sits in shock in the back seat next to his brother. Grandma is also speechless. Only one bee has made it in the vehicle, but her oldest did not escape unharmed. He had gotten stung numerous times and was, to say the least, a little upset about how the whole situation unfolded. He just had to pee. Really badly. So mom reluctantly stopped the car at the bottom of their expansive driveway and he got out. He happened to notice a hole in the ground so he thought it would be fun to aim at it. While he was innocently going about his business his mom heard him mention something about a hole. That's when things started getting crazy. Mom jumped out, there were bees everywhere and suddenly he was whisked away, dazed, wet and achey. He hasn't tried to pee in a hole since.

"Um, stop making Batman kick your pee pee."

"Look mommy, look." ha ha he he

"Just a minute, buddy." (i'm getting the water ready for a bath so son is naked, waiting)

"Ha ha, look mommy!"

"What's up?" (done with water so i turn around)

"Watch this." (son shows me how toy batman can make his, uh, component move)

I have to admit, I felt a little weird saying what I said. But I said it. So I'll share it.

"Why aren't you wearing any underwear?"

You know, that question doesn't even sound so weird to me anymore. Seriously, if I heard another parent say that today at the supermarket or something I wouldn't even bat an eye. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or just sad, it just is. But then my dear brother pops into my head and reminds me that no, it's not common to speak the way I do and that yes, it is bizarre to have to ask someone why they're not wearing underwear. Which reminds me of a recent conversation I had with him the other day about Ranch dressing, but that's for another day. So...back to my 3 year old: I'm helping him change the other morning and he takes off his pj pants and has no undies. I pause for a second, trying to figure out what could have happened during the night to cause this curious omission but come up empty. So I ask what I asked. He, very enthusiastically, declares, "I don't have any!" Well, yes I see that sweetie, I'm just wondering how that could have happened. I quickly see that this interrogation is going nowhere so I drop it. For some reason it haunts me throughout the day, so I ask my husband when he gets home. His reply is the same as my son's, "I don't know." Another unsolved mystery. Perhaps I should keep track of those as well...