"There's a naked guy in the kitchen."

Now, I understand that it's completely possible that others have said this. I'm fully aware that, in different circumstances, this observation would be very fitting to the situation at hand. I can only imagine, very creatively I might add, where and how these words would fly out of someone's mouth. In fact, perhaps even one of you has let this slip at some point, possibly during those experimental college years...? But I'm not here to judge. Just report. And that's what I was simply doing. I was innocently pointing out what I encountered. We were doing a 'speed clean' the other morning where the kids would gather up as many items as they could find and put them where they belonged. I was doing a sweep when I came across what I came across so I made that announcement and moved on. But now that I've shared my personal 'why' it seems pretty darn boring, huh? I should have been purposely vague and left it at something like, "...I turned the corner and wow, my eyes could barely focus because of the sight before them. There, in all its glory, was the perfect figure of a man, unclothed, lying on the floor next to the fridge..."

"Don't touch it, just bite it."

What a funny thing for my hubby to just say, I thought to myself. But then I saw his sandwich...got it.

"Oh, that's just me wiping Ranch off a pillow."

As I've mentioned, I have a brother. He's the one who suggested I start writing down all the weird things I say to my kids. He's actually the one who made me see that what I was saying really was weird. So then I became more aware of what came out of my mouth. But apparently regarding only to what I say to young folks. So when he called the other day and we were chatting he was distracted by what he was hearing on the other line. Finally he said to me, "What is that noise?" So I casually replied, not really thinking that what I was doing was in any way odd. He paused, let out a slight chuckle/sigh, and proceeded to tell me that I was a weirdo and that 'normal' people don't do and say the things that I do. I countered with a yes, in fact, there is a whole world out there where people are constantly doing and saying things that sound crazy but actually have a very specific meaning and purpose. Those people are called 'parents.' He met that with a haughty "Whatever. Weirdo." And we resumed our conversation. Time passed and I had kind of forgotten about the whole conversation, until I was outside talking to my neighbor. I had a scrub brush in one hand and some cleaner in the other and so she asked what I was about to do. Once again in a casual manner, I answered her question: "Oh, I'm about to clean sunscreen off the windows." As I turned to work on my project, I caught a glimpse of the confused expression on her face. Then the whole 'whatever weirdo' discussion came flooding back. I just laughed as I cleaned (which, thinking back, might have looked a bit odd as well...) and wondered if maybe, perhaps, I was a weirdo...

"No, I'm not giving you anymore money. You swallowed that penny this morning."

The first sentence seems quite normal, right? Many a parent has said something along those lines so when I heard my friend say that, I didn't blink an eye. But that second sentence did make me pause. And she was dead serious. I kind of laughed and my friend then explained what happened, but I really shouldn't have been all that surprised. This cute little two year old eats rocks like nobody's business and if she can pick something up, it usually ends up in her mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson (what a funny expression!). So then I told mama that it probably would be best if she took away the jar of coins that she had borrowed from my daughter that she was gripping onto for dear life and trying to hide from her.

"Speak nicely and don't pull your pants down."

Now, if that isn't some sage advice, I don't know what is. Words to live by. Seriously, it's wisdom like that that'll keep you out of trouble. I'm feeling wise today, who knows what'll come out of my mouth. This quick interlude ended with the little guy asking for a hug. 'Doesn't get any better than that...

"Can you help him? He's stuck in the pillowcase."

Poor guy, he went in head first and then couldn't get out. He was just trying to be funny, then it all went terribly wrong. His world got black. His arms were trapped. The walls were closing in around him. He starts to cry. His brother, who was sitting near him in the back of the van, was looking out the window and therefore missing the show. His sister let out an empathetic 'ooh.' His father was busy driving, but could hear the change in tone - first laughter, then sadness. I, the mother, caught the whole transformation and knew that precious time would be lost if I tried to make my way back there, so I simply addressed my oldest and made the request. My husband chuckled, my daughter breathed a sigh of relief and my son just said, "Oh, sure." Free at last, my little guy, with tears still in his sweet eyes, let out a cry/laugh and said, "Thanks broder."

"How did you get poopy on your foot?"

I just asked my son this question, not even 10 minutes ago. The reason it is so perplexing and a bit disturbing is that he was on the toilet at the time. I still have no concrete answer. He could not articulate how it got there, all he said was something like 'yeah, I got poopy on my foot' and 'there's poopy in the toilet and it got on my foot.' Yeah, but how??? How does a child do something like that, while still seated, and have it be on the back of his foot, near the ankle?! I don't get it, I just don't. That's probably best. When I told my husband he just said 'ew.' What else is there to say?

"No, there are no ladybugs as big as your bottom."

This was my response to my daughter's question the other day as we were walking in the park. "Mommy," she slowly asked, "is it true that there are ladybugs as big as your bottom?" She likes ladybugs, but she did seem a little concerned about their possible size. I asked her where she got this information. She looked up, and with a strained face said, "My brother." I just laughed a bit, knelt down and assured her that she had nothing to worry about and that those cute little ladybugs would stay cute and little. Then she asked why her big brother would say such a thing. "Because big brothers like to say funny things to their little brothers and sisters." And in my head I was thinking, "Hmm, that was a good one..."

"I'm staring at the kitchen because I'm wondering."

Daughter scooches next to me, stands and stares. After a few seconds, daughter asks, "What are we wondering about?" That's my girl. I tell her that something's missing, that we could use some different dining room furniture, or maybe some shelves, or maybe I'll just paint. She's silent for a moment, then says, "Mommy, you're funny." And walks off. Geez, she wasn't much help. Just kidding, she's my sweet girl, but I'm still wondering what change I can make around the house. I bought some paint...

This occurred about a month ago and someone from CSN Stores must have been eavesdropping because I got an e-mail asking if I would review a product! Now, last time we had a giveaway and a lucky follower won a gift certificate so now this time I get to pick a product and review it. I'm pretty excited. I'll post a picture of what I end up getting and how it just makes my kitchen so much nicer. In the meantime, I'll just go back to staring.

"Keep your pants on, it'll be fine."

I kinda don't want to explain this one. I sorta want to let imaginations run wild. I'm thinking the story wouldn't be nearly as amusing as what you could come up with on your own. So I'm just gonna leave it at that.

"Whatever it is, just say no thank you."

These incredibly profound, sincere, and yep I'll say it, wise words were uttered to my youngest after what seemed like endless attempts at understanding just what he was trying to tell me one of his cousins was trying to tell him to do. All I could get out of his sweet, little, highly-expressive rhetoric was the child's name. The name was preceded and followed by pointing and other animated gestures and I just got this feeling that whatever said child was trying to get my son to do probably wasn't in his best interests. So I calmly said what I said and sent him on his way, he seemingly quite satisfied with what I had just told him. One of my cousins, who happened to be sitting by me and caught the whole exchange, thought what I said was hilarious, classic, and highly useful and, right then and there, she vowed to use that one herself. Did I mention that she doesn't have any children? So I could only assume that her friends and coworkers would be in for a treat, and a little confusion, once she got home.

"Well, feel your own hair for softness."

The 2 oldest are in the back of the van. Daughter says, "Ouch."

Hubby looks in rear view mirror and asks son, "Did you pull her hair?"

"No," he replies, "I just touched it."

Skeptical of this answer, hubby and I look at each other before hubby continues, "Why did you touch it?"

Very thoughtfully, and rather quickly, our son gives this explanation: "I just wanted to feel the softness."

I let out a little chuckle. Nice one son, I think to myself.

Hubby, after only a slightly detectable pause, offers the above suggestion for the next time this urge might take hold of our son. Yes, feel free to use this one on your own children...or students...or anyone else, for that matter. Everyone in our car seemed appeased.

"Your daughter is really good at taking her clothes off."

This can go under the category of "Things you don't really want said about your child" or "Things you never want to hear."

However, I did say this to my friend a while back and I meant it in the nicest way possible. I was honestly impressed with her swiftness and speed - that little thing could have her pants off in 2 seconds flat - pretty impressive for a then-2 year old. My friend, who is pretty quick-witted, just smiled and said something like "Yeah, she can be naked before you finish a sentence. I'm so proud."

You gotta love your parent-friends!

Overheard conversation...

My friend overheard the following conversation this weekend between her son and my son. They were quite serious, sincere, and thoughtful:

Her boy: Can you teach me some karate moves?

Pause.

My boy: Do you promise not to use them on someone else?

Long pause. My friend catches a glimpse of her son's face. Pensive, wheels are turning, semi-distressed look on his face. (He has a twin sister...)

Her boy: No.
My boy: Then no, I can't teach you. (The ways of the ninja must wait another day)
Her boy: Okay.

Conversation over, boys move on to Transformers and Star Wars.