☺"Stop...don't be a weird mouth breather."☺

Yeah, that just happened. I read this text from my friend as I was taking a drink of water. I spit it out. Yeah, that just happened.

"Oops, you just stepped on a giraffe."

"Don't sit on the crocodile."

"Did you put the lion in your purse?"

"Oh don't stick that snake in your mouth."

These are all things involving animals that I said to my children this weekend. I've still got the rest of today and tomorrow, so let's see if I can add any more.

UPDATE:

"You have to let go of the shark before you can take your shirt off."

"No you can't eat both the soccer ball and the bunny."

As a parent you come across many situations where you're forced to set up some arbitrary rule or make some absurd statement just to make a point. Sometimes you say things that really don't make any sense at all. And other times you're caught in a moment of frustration or panic and announce a completely unreasonable command that no one in their right mind should ever or could ever follow. This, however, was not one of those times. We were all calm, happy even, just hanging out and playing. The kids were so good, in fact, that I was willing to give in to their request for a treat. So we got out the Easter candy stashed on top of the fridge and the kids began perusing the selection. The only rule I made was that they could only have one. So when my youngest picked out two, I coolly stated that he needed to choose just one. He weakly insisted that he wanted both and that's when I said what I said. He chose the soccer ball, the candy was put away and we resumed our cheereful afternoon. So under what category would this fall? The I-just-said-something-really-odd-but-no-one-thought-it-was? Or perhaps the man-that-was-weird-what-just-came-out-of-my-mouth? Or even the I-can't-believe-no-one-giggled-at-that? What do you think?!

"If your tummy says no then your mouth should say no too."

This very sweet, sincere, and quite profound statement was uttered by my darling friend to her 4 year old son just yesterday. The story goes like this:
Son and his friend were upstairs playing. Mama heard water running so she went up to investigate. Kids were about to give stuffed kitties a 'bath' in the sink. Mama said ,"No, the stuffed kitties don't need a bath." (I almost used that as today's quote). Son tries to reason with mama and explain to her that yes indeed the kitties did want to take a bath. Mama ends discussion and heads back downstairs.
Time passes, friend leaves and mama goes back upstairs. She walks by bathroom, glances in and notices a rug over the sink. Curious, she lifts a corner only to find two soaked kitties in a drained sink. She calmly beckons son to bathroom and asks for an explanation. They talk for a bit then she asks him if he thought the whole thing was a good idea. "Well, uh..... " he trails off, muttering an explanation under his breath. What's that buddy? "Well, deep deep down in my tummy I knew it wasn't okay." That's when she kissed his sweet dimpled cheeks, looked into his clear blue eyes and offered those wonderful words of wisdom.

A free giveaway? Cool!!

I technically didn't say this but I thought it, so that counts in my book (I have a very interesting 'book'). I know I like to get free stuff and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, so I was quite willing to pass along an opportunity for a reader to win a $40 gift certificate for some beautiful track lighting at CSN Stores. I had never heard of CSN Stores before I was approached, so I did some investigating to see what it was all about. What I found was great stuff for the home, the kids, the office, and more (too bad i didn't get a little something for myself). If you're still not sure, just visit the site and browse a bit - I'm sure you'll find something to love. It's super easy to enter and once the deadline passes, one lucky follower gets to pick out something awesome and have it delivered right to her/his door!

Here's how to enter:

☺Follow me!! Simply leave me a little comment letting me know that you are now a follower of my site (only followers can be entered). You might even comment on something cool you saw on CSNlighting.com or just share a funny quote. Just make sure I've got your e-mail address 'cause that's how the lucky winner is contacted. ☺


To get another entry or two:

☺Join my Facebook page - "Don't Lick Your Pizza" - and other things parents never thought they'd say. Leave me a comment letting me know you've joined.☺

☺Blog about this giveaway and leave me another comment letting me know so I can resubmit your entry. Go ahead and post a link to both mommylingo and csnlighting.☺

- Open to all our US and Canadian residents. There might be some shipping or international charges, depending on item purchased -
Deadline is June 11 at midnight EST.

Good luck everybody!!

"Even monsters need to wear pants."

Especially if they take the form of a three year old boy who needs to get dressed so mommy can run some errands. Oh he was adorable and what was even cuter was the fact that he really thought he was scaring me with his growls! "I'm a monster, grrrr." Okay cutie let's get your shirt on. Shirt goes on. "Grrrr." giggle giggle. Okay we need to go, let's get your pants on. "I'm a monster, grrrr." giggle giggle. Aah. Okay, here are your pants. "No, I'm a monster, grrrr." You get the picture...

"No more 'poopy'!!!"

"You have to stop. It's not funny." (well maybe a little, but I certainly can't laugh). "If you say 'poopy' again you'll have to go to your room."

"Oookaay" says my 3 year old with an enormous smile on his face. As he walks away I could swear I hear a whispered 'poopy' but I can't be sure. Do I continue this inane conversation or do I just let it go for now? I decide to drop it. I'm sure it will come up again. And it has.

"What the what?!"

I totally stole this from my friend's son but I honestly did say it when I saw that Mommy Lingo was in Redbook magazine!! Seriously, check out the June issue of Redbook and look on page 116 and there you will glimpse a lovely snippet of this blog written by Marisa Cohen. As you can tell, I'm pretty darn excited about that. The only thing is, I haven't been able to figure out where it is on their website redbookmag.com. Perhaps it will appear in June? Perhaps I'm not looking in the right spot? Perhaps it won't at all? Perhaps I should just chill and wait and see??

Kind of in the same vein, I was recently approached by CSN Stores about doing a giveaway or a review, so be on the lookout for a giveaway soon!! Isn't this fun???

"Don't throw chopsticks at the vacuum cleaner."

Now this is certainly something I never thought I would say to anyone. Why would this ever be an issue? Even if I were somewhere where chopsticks were prevalent and I were regularly cleaning up using various tools would this probably never come up. But it did. And I was in my own home where utensils are predominantly kept in drawers. But it was after school on a Friday and kids were home and full of energy and there was music playing and dancing going on and cleaning being done so, naturally, my 3 year old showed his excitement by throwing something. This time it happened to be a chopstick at the vacuum cleaner but next time it could be anything (really, 'cause who would have put those two items together before?), so I shut off the machine, said my peace, and we all carried on as if nothing strange had happened.

☺"Looks like daddy figured something out, huh?"☺

Oh, my hubby was quite proud of himself and the look on our son's face told him that he, indeed, had thwarted all future plans of successful escape. The other night our oldest was having trouble going to sleep (perhaps because he kept getting up?? I recently tried to reason that he couldn't possibly fall asleep if he was up walking around every 5 minutes. Perfect logic, but apparently only to me). Anyway, hubby and I were downstairs and would occasionally hear some hushed footsteps upstairs or a door quietly open or close and so we would go up to see our son in the shadows, whispering that he simply had to use the restroom or that he needed a certain object to sleep with. Finally having had enough, my husband grabbed a cane(?) from our room and showed my son (who was in the bathroom again) that he was going to place the cane precariously between the doorknob and the railing so that it would fall if anyone opened the door from the inside. I think I remember hearing an, "Aha!" before the great revelation but I certainly remember my husband bounding down the steps with a big smile on his face. No 7 year old was gonna outwit my man that night!

"Take off your gloves before going to the bathroom, buddy."

This wise utterance came from my friend yesterday and is something that all children should keep in mind. Apparently my son had found some weight lifting gloves at her house that fit, well, like a glove, and was wearing them the whole time he was over there. She thought it was pretty cute but when he announced he had to use the facilities she quickly gave this directive. He did as she asked and when he came out she set a new rule: "No gloves in the bathroom."

"If you eat all your French fries, you can have an apple later."

Not the usual order of things but my son really loves him some apples! I was in a hurry and had gotten my kids some lunch at a drive thru but forgotten to request apples as the side dish so when my oldest opened up the bag and peered inside the first thing he asked was, "Where are the apples?" He was quite disappointed to see the fries. Sorry buddy. My daughter, on the other hand, was quite pleased with the substitution and muttered a 5 year old version of, "Score!"

"I'm really good at sinking."

Said my daughter to my cousin as she was trying to swim. Today will be dedicated to our kids and some of the crazy funny things they say to us. Their sweet and sincere comments should put a big smile on your face!

"I'm glad I'm not an elephant."

"Yeah but you're not me, you're you."

"I hate that class, stop going!" Friend's daughter cried to her mom who had been attending Love and Logic classes. Friend found book in daughter's room.

"Isn't he just sooo adorable?" Said my 5 year old about her 3 year old brother.

"No panties in the hot tub." Friend's 3 year old randomly said to her the other day.

I know there are a ton more so I'll save some for later!

"If you step on someone's face, they will get sad - it doesn't feel good."

Why do I feel like I've said similar words before? Hmm. Anyway, I'm trying a different approach to correcting such behavior. I feel that these kinds of occurrences where it's a semi-accident need to be addressed differently than, say, a kid-version of a malicious act. I know my 3 year old was only trying to get off the couch this morning but he failed to take into account that his sister was lying down right where his foot would land. Perhaps I was simply trying to open his eyes, so to speak. Perhaps I was trying to tap into his emotions and help him empathize. Perhaps I was just trying not to say, "Why would you do that?! Watch where you're stepping! or the ever-effective, Would you like it if I stepped on your face?!"

"She does pretty well with a bucket on her head."

And she really did. She was walking around, not bumping into too many things, almost able to go down the slide - if the bucket hadn't been so big that it didn't fit in between the plastic poles. And she left it on for quite a lot longer than I would have imagined it to be comfortable. I was honestly impressed. I don't think I would have been as successful in not getting hurt.

"Just eat the cheese. I don't like what you're doing to it."

We've been camping all weekend and yesterday at lunch time we were sitting in the camper having lunch. My daughter had taken her turkey and cheese sandwich apart and was nibbling on the turkey, then the cheese. But then I guess she got bored with the whole 'chewing' thing and resorted to licking her cheese and admiring her work. I happened to look over when she was doing this and, instead of the usual "don't lick..." comment I've been so accustomed to uttering since having children, I thought I would change things up a bit. But as I started to speak and look at her actions I got a bit disgusted. So instead of saying something profound and moving I just muttered those words and looked away. She, however, thought nothing strange of her actions, meekly and confusedly asked "What? Why?," then reluctantly acquiesced.

Happy Mother's Day to all!!

"It's never good to lick people."

There's another piece of practical advice I recently gave my oldest. Honestly, kids need guidance and who better to give it than a parent, right? Especially anything involving the word "lick." These are life lessons that they truly need to know about and I'm not comfortable just sitting around expecting someone else to jump in and dispense such wisdom. And I know I am not alone in this way of thinking - read on...:

"Biting is not how we show our love."

"Because mommies always wipe their penises."

"'Whatever' is never the right answer to a policeman."

"Yup, GI Joe is not an anatomically correct doll."

"Poopy is just for looking at!"

And here's one last lifelong message:
"If you're gonna write on the wall, don't sign your name!"

from nytimes.com article

"But, people don't like it when you sit on their faces."

I have been dispensing some useful life advice to my kids lately so I thought I would share one of them this beautiful morning. Feel free to use it, make it your own, embrace it and pass it along. I've got more comin'...!

☺"Please don't give yourself a wedgie."☺

Child: "Ouch, I hurt my tush."

Parent: "What are you doing?
Two boys: "Playing war."
Parent: "Well play nicely."

Without looking up from book and upon hearing something fall in the kitchen:
Mom: "What was that?"
Daughter: "Nothing."
Mom: ""Did you clean it up?"
Daughter: "Yes."

Kid: "Can I have this toy gun?"
Mom: "No, we're pacifists."
Kid: "Then can I get this toy car?"
Mom: "No, we're too poor."

Mom: "No touching other people's penises!"
Son: "Can we touch our own?"

And the grand finale...
Conversation with 3 year old son at a wedding:
"Can I touch the bride?"
"Sure."
"Can I kiss the bride?"
"You can."
"Can I lick the bride?"
"No, we do not lick the bride."

☺"Go to bed or you'll lose the monkey."☺

I heard my husband give this ultimatum the other night to our oldest. Sometimes it's just funny to listen to grown-ups say crazy things. Even though I knew exactly what he was talking about, it was still pretty amusing to hear my strong, logical, intelligent hubby utter such a ridiculous statement with such seriousness and credibility that our son did not emerge once more from his room.