"I really, really want you to stop putting your lips on the window."

I was tired and didn't have the energy to do much of a forceful reprimand so I resorted to a sort of plea with my 3 year old. He was watching his big brother at karate last night and got excited every time he saw him so, logically - in a three year old mind - he pressed his lips to the glass and mouthed his brother's name. Mind you, that would have been yucky at our own house, but we're at the downtown YMCA where I have no idea how often and with what the windows get cleaned (okay, so i do have an idea) so it's just downright nasty. I pull him down as gently as I can while whispering "nooo." After a few minutes a second lip-and-window encounter happens. This time I get eye to eye and implore him to cease this behavior (before i start imagining all the diseases that are now traveling through his sweet little body). He just says, "Okay, okaaay" and grabs one of the books we had brought. Meanwhile, his sister is watching the whole encounter with a mixed look on her face - disgust and amusement. Soon after, we go for a long walk on the track and forget the whole affair (right after our trip to the bathroom where i attempt to rid his mouth of all impurities). I'll let you know if he develops any mysterious illness in the next few days...

☺"Did you just put that toad in your mouth?"☺

We have all asked some pretty absurd questions in our parenting lifetime and I got a kick out of these that other parents have shared. Sometimes we don't really want an answer but we just have to ask anyway. I think you'll have a good chuckle too:

"Is that a googlie-eye up your nose?"

"Sweetheart, can you pull your head out of the stairs?"

"Will you go back to sleep if I give you a candy corn?" (said to 2 year old at 6am)

"What do you mean you used the bathroom out in the front yard?" (last month my own 3 year old used the bathroom outside...our front door on the porch. my neighbor saw him and simply asked me, 'uh, can you see what your son is doing?')

"Anyone care to explain how the frog got into mom's coffee?" (mom asks her two young sons)

"Did you swallow the battery?" (child did and it showed up on the x-ray in the ER)

"What is this RING?" What is this HE?" (mom's reply to an instant message from 20 year old daughter that simply read 'he gave me a ring.")

And the last one for now, one that really makes you frightfully wonder what the conclusion is:

"Where is the poopie? Belle where did you put the poopie?"

"Did you just 'sheesh' me?!"

Son comes home after school yesterday, looking for a snack.

Son: "Did you buy some fishes (goldfish crackers)?"
Me: "No, not yet."
Son: "Can I have an apple?"
Me: "I put the last one in your lunch."
Son: "How about some crackers and cheese?"
Me: "We're out of crackers."
Son: "Sheesh, mom!"

My son's 7 and usually a really sweet and patient child, so this "Sheesh!" caught me totally off guard and all I could do was just laugh. My husband was in another room and heard it and started laughing as well. Soon we were all saying "Sheesh!" and cracking up!

Apparently I'm not the only parent of a frustrated child: Submitted by a mom in Cincinnati - "Don't hmmmph your mother!" (Said by her husband after their 4 year old, with hands on hips, got upset that mom said no TV). from nytimes.com article

"Okay, okay, stop using mommy's bra as glasses."

Yup, you read that correctly. Oh, but the kids were having so much fun, just cracking each other up and laughing hysterically, nicely taking turns and sharing. It was quite an amusing sight but my husband and I thought enough was enough, although neither one of us wanted to utter the inevitable. We looked at each other knowingly then looked at the kids. I heard him sigh. With slight resignation I hear him say what I was thinking. We both know I have to share this one.

☺"Don't use your sister as a stool."☺

From neighbors:

Brother stores 'special' things on top of his dresser so little sister can't get them. Both were in his room the other day and he decides he wants something from his stash, but can't quite reach. Just then, he notices sister crawling by at just the right spot and takes the opportunity to get his goods. Dad walks in at just the right moment and puts a stop to the whole episode. Calamity averted.

☺"He's using the magnifying glass to look at his poop!"☺

I just heard my daughter run and tell her older brother this. This was preceded by an excited, "Guess what!?" Honestly, this statement wasn't a huge surprise to me because just moments before, my youngest called to me from the bathroom with a "Mommy, come 'ere, look look!" So I did and I saw him point downward and say "Look Mommy, it's biiiig." Now, I can't stifle his curiosity, right? And maybe one day he'll be a detective or scientist or something and examining and analyzing objects at an early age is crucial to his success later on life. So I just said "Okay buddy" and walked away. But what I was really thinking was, "He's using a magnifying glass to look at his poop!"

☺"Why did you put gum in your butt?"☺

I'm very tempted to just leave it at that, but I won't. Here's the story behind(he he) this, submitted by a very patient and analytical dad:

"...Had my own conversation worthy of submission the other day, with my 3.5 year old daughter. Wife needed the kid to get dressed, so called her in from the living room to the bedroom and started changing her clothes. Wife then expresses shock and mild amusement. I come rushing in to see my wife attempting to pick pieces of chewing gum off/out of daughter's butt.
Wife: Why did you put gum in your butt?
Daughter: Because...but, I am...eating the GUM.
Me: Gum doesn't go IN your but. You put gum in your MOUTH. It comes OUT your butt.

Still have no idea why, but apparently after chewing a piece of gum, she decided to stick it in her butt. That's what you do with gum when you're three. Makes perfect sense. Yup."

His explanation is great - there should be no question in the girl's mind as to what to do with gum anymore. I know I'm clear.

"Do you think he likes it when you put your toe up his nose?"

Talk about a rhetorical question! This was followed by the inevitable, "How would you like it? Don't you think that might bother you?" As a parent, it's almost painful sometimes to have to ask these questions, but you know that they are a necessary part of 'teaching a lesson' so you take a breath, and ask the obvious, right? I don't think I need to finish the play-by-play - we've all been there and will be back there countless times. In fact, I am fully aware that these questions will continue way into the teenage years and beyond - on even a more painful level, I'm sure. Which actually reminds me of a story my husband had told me years ago about when his dad asked him one of these queries: Hubby and friend, both in the teen years, thought it a good idea to sit in their car and throw eggs at houses. Surprisingly, someone didn't like it, called the cops, cops called parents, teenage hubby waits for dad to arrive. Dad gets there, talks to cops, smooths things over, takes hubby home. It's 4am, sitting at kitchen table, mom is crying and dad looks at hubby and asks, "What were you thinking?!" A little exasperated himself, he comes back with "I wasn't! I'm 16."

I guess you take the risk of getting an answer when you ask your child a question, any question at any age.

☺"Leave the dirt in the dirt."☺

"Drop the hoe!" Mama neighbor's pitch goes up slightly with each directive. No gardening involved, just her 9 year old son 'creatively playing' with other neighborhood kids. Fortunately (or unfortunately for her) we were all outside enjoying the sun and heard these instructions, so we got a good laugh out of the whole scenario. She just laughed too...what else are you gonna do?

"Do you want me to take your shoes off? ('no') Then give the book back!"

This goes under the "Huh?" category that I am compiling: Things parents say that really make no logical sense whatsoever but we say them in the heat of the moment to make a point and instantly realize they sound ridiculous. Maybe I should pare that title down a bit... Anyway, here are some doozies other parents have shared - get ready to chuckle (and remember to add a 'huh?' after each one):

"Don't make me come back there while I'm driving."

"We chew on books, not remote controls."

"Don't make your mother crazy or you'll have to live with a crazy person."

"Honey, your tiger will get itchy if you leave him out in the rain."

"If you have to gnaw on the cabinets, gnaw on that one."

And of course the clear and concise:
"Sit down and eat your book."

I could go on and on in this category but I'll take a little break, let you come up with your own list, and revisit at a later time.

from nytimes.com article

"Please put your....away."

I had saved this e-mail from a mom who sent me this hilarious story and felt that this was just the right moment to share it. I've taken the liberty of changing one specific word* (you'll know which one) just because I don't want any searches to get all funky and stuff. This will all make sense as soon as you start reading:

"I can't remember why, but on Friday night my 3 year old son had dinner in his underpants [at least he was wearing them, 'member my cousin's daughter?]. All of a sudden, I realised he had gone super quiet and was looking down. I asked what he was doing. Eyes twinkling he said all proudly: 'Look Mummy, I found my wee wee*!' I craned my neck and realised he had just discovered that his underpants had a peep hole in the front and was thrilled to find he had easy access to his parts. Without missing a beat, and suppressing my hysterics, I calmly said, 'Please put your wee wee* away at the dinner table.' I had to leave the room before he saw me laughing so hard. I can honestly say, I never anticipated saying that."

Oh yes, there are many, many things I never anticipated ever saying either! And this mom happens to have a great parenting website that she just shared with me: http://practicalmum.com

"Please put your legs on we have to go."

It was cold outside. It was time for school. I couldn't let my boy leave the house like that. He needed his legs to keep warm. At first he could only find one, then he thought it was funny to walk around with them partly attached, bouncing off the back of his knees. I needed to do something. Fast. I walked to the front door. I opened it. I stood there for a second, letting the cold air in ever-so-slightly. I took a step outside. I was leaving and he needed to come with me, fully fastened together. I called to him from the door. He came running. We walked to the van and headed toward school. He had listened and all was right.

"Your apple's not going to pick itself up."

Last night, my daughter was eating an apple that we had just gotten from the store. She had taken a few bites when her little brother goes running by and knocks the apple out of her hand and onto the kitchen floor.

"Waaaah, looook, my apple is on the floor. Oh no! I waaant it."

Well honey, dear, sweetheart, let's weigh our options here:
1) Leave it
2) Look at it
3) Cry
4) Pick it up, wash it off, and enjoy it

I felt like I had to get things moving in the right direction so I simply explained how inanimate objects don't usually move themselves and went on my merry way. Happy ending: little brother apologized and daughter devoured juicy sweet fruit.

☺"I am the mom and I know who is wearing dirty panties."☺

I was just looking over some older quotes that parents have written in and I came across this funny, yet profound, statement. I too have thought this and other similar things involving seemingly obvious facts, but this mom sums it up in a way that suggests this scenario is not the first of its kind. She very calmly states who she is and why she would be the expert in such cases. I wonder what happened next...?

☺"No, the doggy can't have gum."☺

Our neighbor's daughter loves our dog. She hugs him and kisses him and sits on him and tries to give him all kinds of treats to eat. Obviously, he is a very patient dog. The other day, she was over with her daddy and was loving on him as usual, when daddy looked over and noticed that she had taken the gum out of her own mouth and was trying to stick it in our dog's mouth. Very kindly, he explained to his almost 2 year old that this was not a good idea. She stopped, looked a little offended, but then went on her merry way.

(I recommend, if you have or will have children, a Golden Retriever because they are such sweet and forgiving and tolerant and accomodating dogs. We've had ours since he was a puppy and now he's 11 and he's still calm most of the time but fun and ready to play when apprpriate.)

"There's a frog on the ceiling."

Remember that frog from the airplane that I threatened to take away from my son? Well, it found its way to our ceiling the other day. I was watching a neighbor's son and he thought it would be fun to throw the rubber amphibians around the house to see if they would stick. After I asked him not to do that (i guess i could have posted that quote as well - 'please don't throw the frogs on the walls'), I notice him pointing up and laughing. I then look up and make my very obvious statement. To make a point (not sure right now what that was), I didn't want to climb on a chair and peel the frog off, so I just left it and suggested the kids play with something else. Well, then I kind of forgot about the frog and about an hour later my husband comes home. He walks to the living room, greets me with a kiss, and says, "There's a frog on the ceiling." Yup, there sure is.

"Nooo, that's a glue stick, not chapstick!"

I look over the other day and my 3 year old is happily applying large amounts of glue to his lips. Granted, those little sticks do resemble lip balm but surely, after the first application, wouldn't he taste that something was askew and pause? Nope, is the answer to that one. I run over and take it from him, rinse off as much stickiness as I can, and then show him how what he just applied to his lips can actually bind materials together. He is not too impressed. But I do think he realized his blunder because I saw him try and lick his lips and he did not seem to be too pleased with what he tasted. Good thing those sticks are non-toxic, right?!

☺"Well, that was not fun."☺

My daughter just summed it all up in one simple statement.

People were kind of cranky yesterday anyway, so getting all three kids crammed and buckled in the backseat of our wagon proved to be more of a challenge than we had anticipated. Our van is in the shop so we had to use a smaller vehicle to get around, one that leaves you no choice but to put the three children seated practically on top of one another, directly behind hubby and me. The whole buckling process takes finesse and patience and is reminiscent of a ballet dance: first child gets in and sits, second scoots in and leans forward while the first tries to buckle and the third gets seated. First and third then lean sideways while middle child wrestles with belt, then finally middle one bends forward while third leans to the side while parent searches for buckle that keeps getting smashed behind car seat. Once we're finally on the road, headed to church yesterday no less, kids begin trying to find their own space for limbs where there is none, so fidgeting begins. Youngest then discovers the door handle and pulls, allowing the door to open ever so slightly as we're driving down the road. Dad quickly pulls over and clicks on child safety lock as he closes said door. Meanwhile, it's raining and older children are getting mad at youngest for opening door. We finally get back on our way when we hear our daughter whisper to herself those oh-so-fitting words. Amen!

☺"Do you want to wait until you wet yourself?"☺

My cousin shared this thought-provoking question that she overheard yesterday at an Easter egg hunt. Here are the events leading up to this, as per my own imagination/experience:

Child is filled with excitement for the upcoming egg hunt. Parent observes said child possibly jumping up and down, squirming around, anxiously anticipating the go ahead to begin the hunt. Parent asks child repeatedly if he/she needs to use the bathroom. Child says no time after time. After a bit more observation, parent clearly knows that what could have been mere excitement is truly the urge to pee. One last ditch effort is made by parent to escort child to facilities. Upon rejection, frustrated parent resorts to throwing in the proverbial moist towelette and asks what, to some, is an unnatural question.

Do you think I was close?? What's your story?

"Please don't touch my nose with your toe."

Seriously, why would that be a fun thing to do?

"Put the ax down!"

On his way to bed, my oldest picked up a wooden play ax and headed for his door. Here's the play-by-play:

"What are you doing?"
"Going to bed."
"But why do you have an ax?"
"I want to sleep with it."
"You can't sleep with it."
"Why not?"
"Just go to bed."
- Son proceeds to enter room, ax in hand -
"Put down the ax!"
- THUD - Door closes. Door opens. -
"Good night. I love you."