"Don't use the spoon on the ladybug, okay?"

I believe this one is pretty self-explanatory. You know the scene:

Child 1 has pet ladybug in self-made container mimicking bug's home environment. Talks to bug, plays with it, then notices it's not moving. Slight panic ensues. Child 2 excitedly exclaims, "I'll help you!" and runs to find an object with which to prod bug. Mother silently observes entire plight but gives that one objection. As child 2 disappointedly says, "Aw man," child 1 happily cries out,"She's moving! She's alive!" A celebration ensues and relief fills the air.

Sound familiar??

"My tummy hurts. I think someone shot me."

My youngest walked into my room last night and said these words to me. Why, I have no idea, but the drama with which he uttered them was classic. He could have won an Emmy. His voice was deep and raspy, his face anguished, his gestures convincing. The pause between the two statements allowed for enough suspenseful build up yet didn't linger long enough to render them unrelated. I didn't even get a chance to finish my question, "What's wro...?" It took me a good 2 seconds for the words to sink in and confuse me. Did I hear him correctly? Is my head so stuffed up that I'm hallucinating? Nope, he said what he said. So I assured him that no one had shot him and advised him to go sit on the toilet. Not sure how else to respond...

"Don't wipe the bacon on his face."

Who needs to be told that, huh?! It seems as though there is an unwritten, unsaid rule out there that goes something like this: 'One shall not wipe any food item on another person, especially on the face.' And if not, there certainly should be. But then it'd be written...

"Why do you have to take your shirt off to make a poop?"

He just couldn't stand it, he wanted it off. "Mommy, help me take my shirt off!" I tried to encourage him to just go do his business and not worry about what he was wearing, but he wouldn't have any of it. He stood there with a wild look in his eye, writhing beneath his button down dress shirt, legs moving back and forth, crying out to me, "But I have to make a poop! Help me, help me take my shirt off!" Unsure of why he felt so strongly about stripping, I asked him the above question as I calmly undid each button. I felt I needed to respect his wishes yet still uncover the motivation behind them. But he couldn't focus on my words, he just watched as each button was released from its bondage, getting him closer and closer to freedom. I asked again just as he was (figuratively) ripping the shirt from his body and heading to the bathroom. All I could hear before the door closed behind him was, "Thank you mommy, thank you! I just have to go!" Was he just channeling George Costanza??

"Listen, you do NOT put boogers on people."

"That's just yucky," I continued as my youngest stood before me, head down. "But it was just my sister," he mumbled, trying to offer some sort of justification for what he had just done. "It doesn't matter. You don't do that to anyone. You get a tissue and you wipe your nose with it." I felt I needed to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation. "Boogers belong on tissues, not on people. They're dirty and then that makes people dirty and then sad that you just did that." I'm not sure what prompted the act or why he thought it might be a good thing to do, maybe it's simply because he's a 3 year old boy, but no matter the reason he should certainly know not to do that again. He remained in place, head still down, uttering an occasional "Okay. Okay mommy." Really, who wants a little kid running around sticking boogers on people? I know I don't. He apologized to me, we hugged, he got a tissue, wiped his nose, went downstairs with another tissue, apologized to his sister and cleaned her up. I'm hoping our heart-to-heart made an impression and I never have to visit this topic again. We shall see...

Today's lunchtime talk:

"No, don't put the cheese on your head."
"Why are you licking your sandwich?"
"Where did your turkey go?"
"You've got mustard on your nose."
"You want a third sandwich?!"
"Please don't eat with your feet."

And this is just what I said - the kids had some good ones of their own.

"Please get the karate belt off the dog."

Really, what would he need it for? He's got 4 legs and some sharp teeth so I think he'd be just fine to take someone down without any training. But my son insists that the dog needs the belt. My wonderful, patient old dog just stands there looking at me with a mixture of confusion and indifference as my son jumps around him yelling, "Hiyaaaah!" After a couple more minutes I repeat my request and my son complies. My dog saunters over to his bed and rests his old bones while my son continues his awesome karate moves. I walk away with lively "Hiyaaahs" filling the air.

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you,"

said my 3 year old to his big sister. What's funny is that he probably could. The pair were upstairs on our bed and sister invited little brother to wrestle, but as soon as he accepted she crouched down and let out a small yelp. He immediately told her that she needed to get up but then quickly reassured her of his intentions. I saw the whole thing and it was quite comical so I thought I'd share.

"You would know if there were a spider in your eye."

Son: I think there's a spider in my eye.
Me: You don't have a spider in your eye.
Son: Yes I do.
Me: No you don't. (yeah, i'm the adult)
Son: I do! There's a spider in my eye, I said!
Me: Let me see. Nope, no spider.
Son: I think I do have a spider in my eye.
Me: No buddy, there's no spider there.
Son: Yes there iiiis!
Me: (see above quote)
Son: No I wouldn't.
Me: Oh okay. (huh?!) So there's no spider?
Son: No, I don't have a spider in my eye!

Um, what was the purpose of that whole conversation?

"Big boys don't suck fingers."

That's all you need to know. If you're a boy, remember this always. If you're a girl, remember this too. These words will forever keep you out of trouble. And my husband should know - he's a big boy. He found it prudent to share this information with our 3 year old. I suppose he thought it was time, that our son was old enough to handle it, that he should pass down such knowledge at the precise moment and that moment was in the van yesterday afternoon. It felt right to me too. I was there to offer support, if necessary, but none was needed. My husband is a wise man and can sense when best to dispense insight so I had no doubt it would be received well, but confirmation came when our little guy simply removed his fingers from his mouth, smiled and said, "Okay daddy."

My Review of Kitchen Soap Dispenser

Originally submitted at CSN Stores

A stunning solution for one of the kitchens most forgotten necessities. Our elegant Kitchen Soap Dispenser features an extra long spout that pumps soap easily onto sponges and brushes or directly into your sink. Santoprene pump knob is easy on the hands and rubber non-skid, non-marring b...

Kitchen Soap Dispenser

Just what I needed

By Practicalmama from Salem, OR on 10/10/2010

 

4out of 5

Pros: Easy To Install, Attractive Design, Easy To Load, Dispenses Cleanly

Cons: Squirts too far

Best Uses: Kitchen

Describe Yourself: Quality Oriented

Primary use: Personal

I got this soap dispenser to review and now I think I want another one for my bathroom. I use it in the kitchen and the long spout really makes it easy to get the soap on the sponge, although if you push it down too quickly you'll get soap up your arm. Not a big deal, since it's just soap, but it's something to be aware of. I also like how sturdy it is - it stays put and looks attractive all at once. With the clear bottle, I can actually change the appearance just by changing the color soap I use. Pretty simple and cheap, I know...just how I like it. It doesn't clog but sometimes there's a little soap build up at the tip, so I just either wipe or rinse it off and it looks all clean and new again. This bottle will last a long time because it's made with high quality materials so I know it was a good choice. I haven't had to refill it yet, but even though it holds a lot of soap, it's not bulky or tall. The design actually adds a little class to the sink area which is always an asset. Like I mentioned, I'd like another one, please.

(legalese)

My Review of Premium 7053 Country Blue Southwestern Rug

Originally submitted at CSN Stores

A particularly practical choice for discerning people with active households, the Premium collection is especially durable and wear resistant. This affordable collection is made from 100% soil, stain and fade resistant polypropylene. These rugs consist of traditional and southwestern designs that a...

Premium 7053 Country Blue Southwestern Rug

I'd buy another

By Practicalmama from Salem, OR on 10/10/2010

 

4out of 5

Pros: Attractive Design, Easy To Clean

Cons: Curls Up At Corners, Slips Around

Best Uses: Kitchen

Describe Yourself: Practical, Bargain Hunter

Primary use: Personal

This rug stays in the kitchen and gets trampled on daily. I have 3 kids and a dog who have each done their fair share of making some sort of mess on it, but each time I just run the vacuum over it and it comes out all clean and fluffy again. When I picked this rug to review, I wasn't sure what it would really look like or what kind of quality it would be. It turned out to be bigger than I expected and more attractive than I realized. It's quite thick and sturdy. The only thing that bugs me a bit is that it slips around. I didn't get the non-stick pads, which now I would recommend. But it's in a pretty confined space so it doesn't stray too far. Everyone who has seen this rug has commented on how great it looks. Next time I might go for a different color, but I'd definitely get this again and I've already recommended it to my friends.

(legalese)

"Did you just put a girl down your shirt?"

"She's helping you scratch your back? Oh okay."

Another example of a common daily exchange between my child and me. Nothing unusual about it, considering the context and the participants, but let's just take a moment and insert this into a different scenario, just for the heck of it:

You're at work and need to make copies so you get up and head over to the printing area. As you're loading your documents into the copier, you overhear the above jabber. What's your first thought? What the...? Do you crane your neck in the hopes of catching a glimpse of this 'helpful' girl or do you just try and ignore what you just heard and think that maybe you simply misunderstood? Or do you march right over and ask for clarification? Or maybe you laugh and join in and say something awkward like, "Yeah, I hate it when that happens." And then they look at you like you're some kind of freak and so you vow to never ever try and engage in conversation at work again and you slink back to the copy machine and gather your copies and amble back to your cubicle. So much pressure to be 'normal' and speak 'coherently' and not sound 'weird,' huh? What freedom as a parent to be able to just make ridiculous statements and ask bizarre questions without any fear of judgement. How invigorating! And I just said, "Yes, I'll help you get out of that box" to my son and I heard nary a giggle. Ha ha ha ha ha!

"Stop playing your pee pee like a guitar."

I'm noticing that many of my quotes begin with "stop" or "don't" and I'm thinking that I might want to rephrase how I begin my sentences, although many of these statements are spur of the moment utterances that fly out of my mouth without much thought. I mean really, what do you say to your 3 year old who is taking a bath and suddenly starts singing "neow, neow" and playing guitar without a guitar? I ignored it at first, but then he tried to get my attention with the direct, "Mommy look at me!" I suppose I could have said something like, "Let's not use our penises as guitars, sweetie." Or, "That's cool buddy, now put your 'guitar' away and clean it," for a positive spin. I have to admit, it was actually funny, but I could also imagine him taking his little show on the road for laughs so I kinda wanted to keep things on the down low. After I said what I said he tried to explain his actions with, "But I'm rock band!" To which I responded "Okay, song's over." And so it ended.

"No more talking sandwiches."

Sure, at first it was fine, but those things just kept on and on. And about nothing in particular. I just had to stop that nonsense. We had things to do and they were simply wasting our time. I had no idea they could be so talkative.