☺"Were you playing in the toilet?"☺

"Was the bathroom door open? Why are you wet?" asked my friend last night to her 1 1/2 year old daughter who came running over to her, happily saying, "Mama! Mama!" We all just laughed at this question but were also a bit repulsed because her hair was wet. "So that means she stuck her face in it?" someone asked slowly. "Probably," said mom, "She really likes water." (Remember the post about licking pavement...? Same girlie). What's even more disturbing is that someone had forgotten to flush. Nice.

"Daddy is not a toy."

Actually, instead of 'toy' I almost said 'carpet' or 'couch' but 'toy' was the first thing out of my mouth. The other night my husband had asked our oldest to walk on his back for a bit because it was bothering him. My son did for a while, then the other two kids wanted to 'help daddy feel better too' so they took turns walking around. Calmly, at first. Then things escalated rather quickly as my two younger ones turned it into a race to see who could jump on and off of daddy the quickest. I think, for a split second, my oldest thought he would join in too, so I knew I had act fast because my husband, strangely I thought, wasn't saying a word. I caught the youngest in mid-flight as I said these words, preceded by "Wait! Stop!" I was actually a bit concerned for my husband but then I heard him laugh and say, "You have to write that one down!"

☺"86 the jibber jabber."☺

Hee hee, this one is just funny because you know this mom had had enough of whatever was going on and on at the time and this must have been the only thing she could blurt out that might have some effect. Here are some other good ones of parents saying some pretty funny stuff, that honestly, doesn't really make much sense but I know from personal experience that you get to a point and you want to say something, anything, and then realize it was just plain silly. Read on...:

"Stop it, you're acting like a 2 year old" - said to my 2 year old!

"Who am I, your mother?" - said to one of my boys who expected me to carry his school bag when he got tired of carrying it.

"Just wait till you have children."

"Clean it up yourself, your mother does not work here!!!" - said when my son made a mess next to my desk at work.

"You are SO immature!" - said to my 4 year old.

"Please be gentle when you are hitting yourself in the head."

Thanks for sending these in!! practicalmama@gmail.com

from nytimes.com article on mommylingo.com

"Get out of the refrigerator."

This is one of the originals, hand written on a piece of paper hanging on the fridge. At the time, about 6 years ago, it was such a strange thing for me to have said, but now, after 2 more kids, it's old news. In fact, I said it just a couple of days ago to my youngest. We were in the kitchen and my oldest (the one who started this whole 'i can't believe i just said that to my kid' journey) said, "Mom, look." So I did and saw my little guy fully inside. Nowadays, we have one of those side-by-side deals that is taller than our other fridge so he was actually using the shelves as steps and he was almost to the top, with one hand outstretched toward the juice and the other holding on for dear life, when I casually said those words to him. He reluctantly conceded, stepped out and said simply, with a hint of whine, "But I want some juuuice." Now I praise my kids' independence and their sometimes overzealous attempts at it but I also want to teach them that it's okay to ask for help. There's a tiny tightrope that parents are constantly walking so when you hear one say something that sounds totally outrageous, go ahead and chuckle with them - I'm sure it makes sense on some level. Now, if I can just find that list that I started all those years ago....it's probably filed somewhere in a 'safe' spot....

☺"He'll be right down. He's preparing the baby doll for battle."☺

There's not much explanation needed on this one. It's quite clear, concise, and straightforward. It seems as though this mom from Wales has said similar things in the past and is fully comfortable explaining sometimes unusual situations calmly and unambiguously. Perhaps she should run for some sort of office. I'd vote for her.



from nytimes.com article on mommylingo.com

"Superman doesn't spit at his mommy."

I just said this and while I don't normally post twice in one day, this was totally relevant to this morning's post. My youngest (same little cutie flying around earlier) has begun spitting to express himself when he is angry or frustrated. Not the hock-a-loogie-with-the-throat-noise-and-actual-liquid-in-flight kind, but more of the na-na-na-na-na-na kind. Anyway, he and his sister were building a fort and something happened, he got upset and spit. This is an automatic time out so I picked him up and was carrying him upstairs - apparently in the Superman position - when he held one arm out in front and started making a whoosh noise. How did this turn into a free flight rapidly up the stairs? I wondered. So as I was setting him down I reminded him how it's not nice to spit and he was going to be in time out when, out of the blue (not really, I should have seen it coming), he aimed his ire at me. Now, I don't really know how Superman was with his mommy when he was 3, but I took a chance and made this assumption.

"Fly Superman, straight into the bathtub!"

Come on moms and dads, I know I'm not the only one who has said something like this! I even chuckled after I said this to my 3 year old because it was so natural and fit right in to what was happening at the time, but I then pictured what my brother (who doesn't have any kiddos) would think if he heard me say this in such a comfortable tone. And I'm sure if I think hard enough I can come up with plenty of strange phrases addressed to a number of action heroes.

There have been so many great responses to the NY Times article from parents and non-parents sharing all their hilarious stories, so stay tuned for a bunch to be shared here soon!! I just know 'talking to superheroes' will be revisited shortly and curiously await your words of 'wisdom.' Keep 'em coming: practicalmama@gmail.com

☺"Your finger is not a french fry."☺

Kids all go through stages and some are more harmless than others, but this mom discovered that even the seemingly simple ones can cause pain.

"We have passed that stage, but for years, when it seemed like everything was dipped in ketchup before it hit the mouth, our two girls were constantly biting their fingers as they ate, yes, french fries, chicken, chicken nuggets, fish, meat - whatever!"


from nytimes.com article on mommylingo.com

☺"Quit licking the water off the pavement!"☺

I think I also heard a "Sheesh" as my friend and neighbor plodded over to her 1 1/2 year old daughter and lifted her face off the road. "She does this all the time. Why?!" she continued. Apparently her little girl has done this before - she asks for some water in a bottle then takes it to her desired destination and pours it out. She'll then lie down with her face buried in the carpet, chair, or in this case the road, and start licking it up. This is the same cutie pie who eats rocks and dirt any chance she gets so I guess, in the whole scheme of things, licking up some water isn't so awful...? More to come on this one....

"I can't put your undies on if you keep spinning."

I tried, I really did, but once I got one leg in, the other came out so it was actually a bit comical. For about 4 seconds. But once I explained why things weren't working out, my son just said "Okay" and sat down. I guess he truly understood the logic of my words.

"Look at him and say, 'Sorry for stepping on you.'"

That's just common courtesy, right? I'm trying to teach my children to be polite and respectful and thoughtful of others so if one should happen to step on another one, accidentally or not (in this case not), then a quick and caring apology would certainly be in order. I mean, if more adults took advice like this the world would be a much nicer place, huh?

"Did you have fun sleeping in the closet?"

We're at a friend's vacation house. It's a big closet. Looked like fun to me.


Happy Valentine's day!

☺"Boys, no weapons at the dinner table."☺

I mean really, how uncomfortable would that make you?! A mom I know just had to draw the line at this one, although she felt a little uncomfortable herself just saying these words!

"You're my sweet girl. And your mustache looks great."

The other day my very girly-girl daughter decided she was going to dress like a boy. She put on one of her brother's shirts, a pair of what she called 'boy looking pants' and put her long hair in a ponytail and up in a cap. And then, at some point, drew a mustache on her face. She came downstairs and showed me her 'disguise' and explained how she wanted to try and fool her friends. I couldn't help it, she looked adorable so I hugged her and gave her a kiss and said what I said. Everything matched perfectly, down to her light blue socks that went with the light blue stripes on the side of her pants. She totally rocked it!

☺"Don't hit your brother with the Bible."☺

A good friend and great mama sent this one to me a while back. That could have been a whole Sunday school lesson right there!

I'm sure we could fill this category of creative-and-alternative-uses-for-ordinary-household-items up in no time!!

☺"Eat your veggies, they'll put hair on your chest."☺

A daddy said this to his daughter. Let that sink in for a sec. I wonder if it worked!?

"Now! Grab the penguin!"

Oh, this one makes me chuckle mostly because of the great excitement that went with it. And maybe also because I keep thinking about how strange it would have sounded had someone been passing by and heard me say this. Not that that could have happened because the incident occurred in my bathroom while I was taking a shower and that would have just been strange in itself. But I digress...

So my daughter was being assaulted by her little brother's plastic penguin that was being manipulated by my little guy himself, while I was taking a shower. One minute, they were happily playing and the next came some screams. Now, my husband and I have been encouraging our daughter to take control of the situation when her little brother does something to upset her (he thinks it's all a big hoot). So I poked my head out and reminded her that it would be more effective if she addressed the issue rather than just stood there and yelled. She agreed, took a deep breath and told him to stop it. Surprisingly, he didn't. She knew she had to turn things up a notch so she told him that if he didn't stop she would take it from him. He didn't. "Do something," I recommended. That was all she needed. She took one step toward him and, with a determined look on her face, demanded that he give it to her. I guess that was all he needed too because he immediately dropped the penguin right where he was standing. But then I noticed a faint smile on his lips and wasn't sure exactly what that meant, so that's when I excitedly cheered her on as she swooped down and grabbed that rascal. You go girl!

"Okay, stop being a bunny rabbit, we have to go."

We've all been there, right? Whether it be a dog or a cow or a lawn mower or a tree, your kid has been happily showing you his/her latest impersonation and, for the first 27 times is really cute, but at some point you really need to be doing something else or going somewhere and they just keep at it. What are you gonna do? This time it was my 3 year old and we were in the parking lot of my older son's school and we were taking him lunch, so we didn't have a huge chunk of time to dedicate to being rabbits so after a few bounces I was ready to walk and get in the door but my little guy still had a few more pounces in him so I, admittedly, got a little impatient and laid down the law. He just stopped, looked at me with his adorable eyes and said, "Okay mommy."

☺"Why did you put cheese in your pocket? [sic]"☺

Let me begin by explaining that I sort of, in a way, kinda, created this quote out of an entry that a dad shared on the Facebook site. Here's what he wrote, so let me know if maybe you think he mighta said something else. Or maybe what you would have said in this situation:

"My kid stuck a piece of burnt cheese in his pocket and when I asked him why he said he might be hungry later and wanted to keep a snack nearby.??? Did we do this??? I can't imagine??! Oh well, keeps you young!"

What would YOU have said??

"Don't stick your fingers in it and make it bigger."

"Ew," my husband said, "did you really have to say it like that?" Now, like many (if not all) of the other comments posted, taken out of context or said to an adult, this may sound a bit peculiar awkward and even gross. And if you use your imagination in creative ways or start putting it in conversations you have had in the past, it may start to become even more bizarre curious and sophomoric. And that's what makes parenting so funny - all the nutty-sounding things that come out of your mouth...not to mention the humdingers that your kids utter on a daily basis! But I was simply referring to the tear in my son's jeans, so it was clearly necessary rational and appropriate.

☺"Better voice projection, mommy."☺

Clearly my son has been paying attention to his teacher while practicing for his 2nd grade speeches! He asked me to read them all a book in the van yesterday, so I halfway turned in my seat and began reading about Arthur and his adventures. Part of the way through Chapter 1, he politely interrupted with these stage directions. It took me a second to process what he had just said but my husband picked it up right away and started giggling. Yes, he giggled. And my husband is not a giggler. I then turned further around, cleared my throat, and began again. My son just smiled and said, "That's better, good job." And then my husband giggled some more.

"I only have one right hand."

It's true, I do. For some reason my 3 year old was set on holding my right hand, even though his older brother 'had it first.' I told him he could hold the other one or his brother's hand or daddy's hand, but no. "I want that one." He left me no choice.

☺"Get the tortilla shell out of your ear."☺

Saying things like this are inevitable, as a parent. Sorry. If you don't have kids or are expecting, then these phrases may seem a bit exaggerated and dramatic but honestly, they are crucial, invaluable, effective, behavior-changing gems that should be said with pride! Okay, maybe that was a bit exaggerated and dramatic, but my point is this: once you have a child, who knows what the heck is gonna come out of your mouth, but whatever it may be, I bet it'll be worth writing down!

The mama who recently shared this jewel tells her story:
"I said this to my 11 month old as we were at Taco Bell the other night and were giving him little pieces of a cheese roll up that my husband was eating. He was busy trying to shove them into his ear and laughing, having a good ole time!"

She had to say it, right??!!

"Don't put the animals in the milk, they don't like that."

Breakfast time. New toy animals. Me, trying to answer the 'why' before it is asked.

"There's a lady under the couch."

This I actually said to my husband yesterday as we were cleaning up around the house. We had both just sat down on opposite couches when I looked down and saw her. As soon as I made this revelation to him, he simply passed his hand under the couch, scooped her up and gave it to our daughter. Not another word was spoken about the lady under the couch.