☺"No, we don't put boogers back in our noses."☺

So where do we put them, mommy? - I'm sure this little girl was wondering. Here's what this mama had to share:

"The other day I said this to my 17 month old. We've had an ongoing battle about putting things in her nose which began many months ago with her finger. Lately she's been putting cotton bits and odd things up her nose (or attempting to). I caught her trying to put something up there the other day and started with 'no no honey we don't put things up our nose.' As I got closer and saw what it was, as I was taking said object out of her hand, I noticed that she'd obviously picked her nose and was now trying to put it back up there. For some reason after saying the above phrase, I continued to attempt to explain to her why and how we shouldn't dig them out in the first place. Not sure why I ever try to be logical with a 17 month old, but there you have it."

At least she knew where it came from. This next mom had the element of surprise thrust upon her and she was left with no option but to ask, "Who's booger is this on the wall?"

Order of Operations:

"Pull up your panties
Then your jeans
Then your tutu"

☺"Maybe if you wore underwear to the dinner table you wouldn't get crumbs in your butt."☺

So true, so true. What other explanation could there be? I'm sure my cousin thought this was innately known to all humans, but apparently not. I'll have to remember this one - I'm just sure it will come up in my house one day.

"If you touch the seat again, I'll take the frog away."

Really, if that's not a reason to stop touching a seat, I don't know what is. Try that sometime when you're on the subway or bus and just see how that action stops immediately. The person might think you're a bit loony but at least you'll have a smoother ride. Go on, practice it now.

I, on the other hand, said this to my 3 year old last night on the plane (our third and last...hmm, child and plane actually). I can't really blame the poor guy for being antsy - we had started our travels early that morning and had been sitting on planes and in airports for about 14 hours so his little legs were, understandably, in need of some movement. But the lady in front probably didn't want to be his exercise equipment so I had to make an immediate and effective threat. It worked. His yellow rubber frog must have been just a tad bit more exciting than the mesmerizing rhythm of the tray table going up and down. You're welcome, lady in seat 24D.

"There's no more room on daddy."

We're stuffing our 7 selves in a rather small taxi, my husband has 2 children on his lap as it is, when our 3 year old decides, mid-ride, that he too would like to sit on daddy's lap. Sorry dear, we could barely shut the door...actually, I think we left a tiny chunk of my mom's arm back on the sidewalk, so there is honestly not an inch (centimeter, rather) to spare on my darling hubby's wonderful legs.

Our trip here comes to an end tomorrow but another action-packed journey awaits us - the joy of travel on 3 planes and 4 airports. I'm sure I'll have plenty to post on Sunday.

"I'm wearing your underwear."***

***A CHILD SAID THIS, NOT A CREEPY ADULT!***

I just wanted to make that perfectly clear because it was such a sweet, innocent statement and I felt immediate clarification was absolutely necessary. Now, here's the story behind it:

My cousin's adorable 3 year old daughter was happily flipping through our Go Fish princess cards this afternoon when I heard these strange words come from her mouth. At first I thought I had surely misunderstood but then my cousin said, "Oh, she's talking to Tinkerbell." Which, come to think of it, was a rather arbitrary statement itself, but instantly made perfect sense. That whole sweet thought process combined with her delectable cheeks, heavenly clear blue eyes, and luxurious lashes made me just want to sweep her up and drown her in kisses. Seriously, how cute was that?!

"Sweetie, wipe your eye..."

"...you've got some cake on it." This was said, very caringly, by a great dad (my cousin-in-law) to his oldest daughter at yes, my grandma's party. From across a very large table, nonetheless. So it was, sort of, yelled, but in a very thoughtful tone with only her best interest at heart. I mean just think, what if some frosting were to make its way down and enter the eye, causing a weird burning sensation that only frosting could cause. He was simply looking out for his daughter's welfare, as he does at all times, shamelessly willing to sound ridiculous at the expense of his daughter's optical safety. Wow, he must be a fire fighter or something. Oh wait, his is. Lucky girl.

"Who has Sofia's underwear?"

I knew my cousins would have some good quotes! So we're getting ready to leave Grandma's 90th birthday party, we're all packing up and I hear this question being asked by a cousin to her niece. First of all, who is this Sofia? We have no one in our family with this name, which makes the question even odder because now we have to go looking for some stranger's underwear. And secondly, why would my cousin be asking a 5 year old this? Thankfully Sofia is a doll and the underwear was quickly found, but it was still pretty funny. Although not as funny as if it had been grandma's missing drawers....

"Nope, no beds on the plane."

But it sure would be nice. We're leaving tonight for South America and my daughter knows it'll take a while to get there and when I mentioned that we'll all be sleeping on the plane this evening (just thought i'd plant that idea in her head) she asked this very sincere and perfectly logical question. Seriously, wouldn't it be nice to 'rent' some space on an airplane for long trips and have your own little bungalow in the air? I know there are some planes where the seats turn into semi-beds, but since we have to take 3 separate flights we won't get this luxury. But let's just dream a little here: we're a family of 5, with 3 kids under 8, so I think it would behoove everyone if we got our own closed off spot in the back of the plane, near a bathroom, where the kids can be kids and not bother anyone who has never had the pleasure of traveling with children, or has just simply chosen to forget its joys. There could be some designated 'family areas' and all the grouches can sit in the front and pretend children should be seen and not heard. Not that I'm saying there are people like that.

Anyway, a dream's a dream and we're gonna have some fun this week, so I may not be posting as often as I'd like. But I surely will continue to write stuff down 'cause I know my cousins will have tons of material to add. Lots of kids running around so that means lots of crazy parent talk. Perhaps I should record instead...

☺"Leave your hands and your mouths to yourselves."☺

Car ride. Three kids in the back seat - 3, 8, 10. Youngest 'play' bit oldest. Oldest 'play' hit youngest. My wonderful mama friend knew she quickly needed to take action and stop the inevitable explosion that she heard rumbling underneath the surface of all this 'play' activity. With one all-inclusive statement she retained order and averted disaster. Super mama to the rescue once again.

"Why did you sleep in your pillowcase?"

Son: "Because I was cold."

Me: "Where was your blanket?"

Son: "Under my head."


Naturally...

☺"Sweetie, we do NOT put goldfish crackers in our butts."☺

Continuing with our 'food in strange places' theme, this one really fits in well (he he, couldn't resist). This mom from nearby Portland explains how it all came down to this:

"I found myself informing my daughter (then about 2 years old) that. This after I walked in on my daughter, whom I had left with a snack, attempting to place said snack in her, ahem, gluteal cleft area. On further reflection, I thought I might have been too specific. Does my daughter now think that the prohibition applies only to goldfish crackers? But that it is acceptable to place, say, saltines or Ritz crackers there? She is now almost 4 and does not remember the incident so I have not been able to determine what exactly possessed her to attempt this experiment. It is one of the most peculiar things I have ever said, so I thought I'd share it."

Now, after having a glimpse at the thought process of another mom I actually feel a bit better about all the times I think and over-think what my children might be understanding from me when I say something like, "Please get the bun off your head." Do they think only buns do not go on heads? Or does this apply to all bread? Or even just food in general? But then I see my daughter place a piece of cheese on her head and realize, hmm, did I just give them more ideas?!?!

☺"I prefer shorter sentences."☺

My husband just told me last night that our 7 year old said that to him the other day. Too funny! Apparently hubby was explaining something and took a bit longer than son would have liked. What made me laugh the most was the politeness of it all. I mean, you know our son was thinking, "Geez dad, get on with it already. You made your point ages ago and now I'm kinda lost in the whole mess of words that just streamed endlessly out of your mouth. Land the plane!"

☺"Chicken nuggets do NOT go inside the ninja turtle."☺

Uh, why not? the kid was probably wondering. And this mom from MI is not the only one having to deal with kids putting food in, um, interesting places:

"An English muffin is not a floppy disk to put in daddy's computer" - said to a 3-4 year old in the 80's after dad's computer went down.

"Tucker, get that string bean out of your nose." - a dad said he remembers calling home while on a business trip..."I no sooner asked 'how are things going?' than my wife turned away from the receiver and shouted those words."

"Bananas do not go into the toilet." - posted in a preschool class list of rules. This mom explains, "Apparently this was enough of a problem that the teacher felt the practice needed to be formally banned."

This is quite a popular topic and there are many, many more hilarious quotes related to food in strange spots, so I'll stop now and continue later!

"I can't hear you when you're screaming."

Okay, so that wasn't entirely true. I could hear her very well because, well, she was screaming, but I was trying to make a point and the point was 'find another way to communicate your feelings with me because right now I'm having a hard time concentrating on your words because I am, quite frankly, overwhelmed by the very loud noise you are making and I pretty much only hear one pitch and no discernible speech.'

So do you think I made my point??

☺"Pull your pants up, you're gonna hurt someone."☺

I have to admit, this is not exactly all of what my husband said this weekend, but this is exactly what my son heard and repeated to us, and it was darn funny, so I'm adding it to the blog anyway! We were outside with some friends, kids were playing, and the grown ups started talking about skiing and snow boarding. Our friend was surprised when my husband said he now snow boarded because he didn't think my hubby fit the stereotype of the young, rebellious snow boarder. So then my guy started talking like a an 'old man' and saying a bunch of 'old man' things and apparently our son was half-listening because he started laughing, came up to us and said, "I know what you just said, Daddy. Why did you say that?" And then he proceded to 'repeat' what he heard. Oh, we just laughed for quite a while about that!

"Oh, you just sat on my nose."

Quickly followed by, "Oh, someone just spit in my face." We were having some family tickle time and things were getting a bit rambunctious when I made those two observations. No one ever aknowledged doing either one, but I have a pretty good idea who the culprits were.

☺"TWO HANDS!!!"☺

This one falls into a slightly different category, but is still hilarious when you know the context:

A mom from New York explains:
"It's not what I said to the children so much, as that I found myself saying it to anyone I was eating with, including adult colleagues, as they reached for a glass of milk or water."

Sometimes you just stay in mommy or daddy mode, without even realizing it, until you're right in the middle of it or after the fact. This reminds me of last summer when we were grilling out in the backyard of a friend's parent's house and I, inadvertently, started cutting up my friend's mom's chicken into little, bite-sized pieces. I was about halfway done when I noticed what I was doing and all I could do was just laugh! She did too (she's a mom, after all).

"If you take your underwear off, you're going upstairs."

I said this yesterday to my youngest because I didn't know what else would get him to stop pulling his undies down while I was trying to get his pants on. This was said after repeated attempts on his part to 'go commando.' He made one last ditch effort to get them off before he conceded and left things as they should be. I guess he thought leaving the house with a bare bottom was more what he had in mind and the idea of being alone upstairs without drawers wasn't all that appealing?

☺"If you're going to rub your naked butt on your sister's pillow, then you're the one who has to do the laundry."☺

Sounds reasonable, right? This mom from New York very clearly states the 'offense' and the subsequent 'consequences.' This surely made the child stop and think, "Is it really worth it? Do I want to do this so badly that I'll risk it all? Will the look of disgust on my sister's face eclipse the arduous chore of doing the laundry?"

Will we ever know?!?!

"Ew, take the toilet seat off your head."

A happy little voice called from the bathroom, "Mommy come 'ere, look." As I rounded the corner I could see my 3 year old sitting on the toilet, with his potty chair cushion on his head, smiling ever so proudly of his new found hat. Even my other kids thought that was gross.

Now, this 'toilet' category is brimming with fantastic quotes from parents all around the world:

From New York: "To my two year old daughter who is potty training at school and sees how a little boy uses the toilet, 'Sweetie, if you want to try to pee standing up, you can.'"

From Germany: "Would you please stop throwing your pacifiers in the toilet?"

From NC: "Stop kissing the toilet."

From Houston: "Honey, please don't dip your bottom in the toilet water."

From Australia: "Please do not 'kiss' anything in a public toilet."

From Ithaca, NY: "Darling, please take your foot out of the toilet."

And a mom from Swarthmore, PA apparently had the same experience I just did: "Take the potty seat off your head!"